A blessing overlooked

Crappy days. Crappy, dreadful days, with what seems like constant oh-God-why-can't-I-freeze-and-just-die moments. Those. I personally don't know of any human being who survives life without passing through such days. It's like an offer that automatically arrives with one's life, only that it's not one to be refused.

I've been living through days like those for quite a while now, and today was supposed to be the end of them, but you know, life always seems to have its own plans.

I went back home after thinking it was all finally over, and decided to watch a movie for a change. I came across a movie on TV called "The Holiday", and decided to go for it though I hadn't heard anything about it before. It was nice, I liked it, but it's actually too cheesy to be recommended. (That's sadly what I get for being the overly cheesy person I am, I'm never able to recommend movies.)

Anyway, there was this particular scene from the movie that just touched me, and kept ringing inside my head even after the movie was over. It was a conversation between an Amanda and a Graham, and that's how it went:

"Amanda: Okay, l'll say it fast. My parents broke up when l was 15. l'm an only child, and l… l didn't see it coming. You know, we were really close. We used to call ourselves ''The Three Musketeers.'' And one night after dinner, my parents sat me down... and told me that they were breaking up. l thought they were kidding. And then l saw a suitcase out of the corner of my eye in the hallway. And my dad moved out that night. l think l cried myself to sleep for, like, well... anyway, a long time. And then l realized that l'd better toughen up. And, well, l got through it and sort of haven't cried since. l also haven't thought of that packed suitcase maybe ever. And that's my tragic little story.

Graham: Wait, you haven't cried since you were 15?

Amanda: l know it must mean something awful. l know, but... you know, l try, but… believe me. But can we talk about you some more, please?

Graham: Okay. Yes. Absolutely. Okay. Well, l cry all the time.

Amanda: You do not.

Graham: Yeah I do. More than any woman you've ever met.

Amanda: You don't have to be this nice.

Graham: It happens to be the truth.

Amanda: Really?

Graham: A good book, a great film, a birthday card, I weep.

Amanda: Shut up.

Graham: I'm a major weeper."

And this, happens to be my favorite scene of the whole movie. It kind of reminded me of my two-days-earlier self.

I was completely stressed over an exam and I was feeling really bad to the extent that I was ready to cry, only my tears weren't helping out. At all. I thought I'd wait till the exam day, maybe screwing up on it would get them all flowing over my face. Or maybe I could cry out of relief at the end of it, if it happened to go well. I was waiting for it, very much. But sadly, none of my scenarios came true.

I did feel relieved after the exam, yes, but tears were still inside and I couldn't feel a thing as long as they stayed in there. But luckily, being the cheesy person I am gave me an advantage; I cried during the movie! And the tears finally went out, getting a very heavy weight off my chest. And I literally mean every word of that sentence. That's when I seriously started thinking about tears.

Tears. The word itself gives you a sense of "tearing". Breaking something, breaking it apart. Breaking all the pain inside, with just, a few drops of water. I find this beautiful.

There are always those certain feelings we experience that can never be expressed through anything but words. And there are those other feelings that not even the whole world's words would possibly convey, and might just be expressed through looks, gestures, or actions. But there still comes an entire different category of feelings which can't be expressed neither through words nor through actions, nothing. And that is, I believe, when tears come to rescue.

I've always believed words will be there for me whenever I feel a new something that I can't express, but sometimes I do run out of words. So, for me, tears are actually my only way out whenever words fail me. They are my perfect cure, for everything, not just pain. I could be the happiest person alive and still tear up, because sometimes even happiness is too much for words to handle.

Thinking about Amanda, I know my life would've been really hard if I were never able to cry. Yes, I may pass through some tear-less days, but I'm thankful they'd always come out at the end. Because, well, tears are still not only there to express, they're also there to purify. I feel like I get this free inner-shower every time I let myself cry, even though it's tears leaving my body, not the other way round. I feel that the water acts like some sort of a magnet, attracting all the awful feelings and thoughts, and pushing them along on its way out, just like a vacuum cleaner on a messy carpet. I don't think the relief one feels after crying isn't something we only try convincing ourselves with. Tears do really wash our inner selves, they have access to the only part that we can't reach; our souls. Or that's how I like imagining it.

I'm a big fan of the few gasps people involuntarily let out after they're done crying. It's like a final assurance that the pain has truly escaped, pushing out any leftovers through the air. Never once did I get over with the gasping phase without feeling like someone's hand has just gently broken through me, got hold of the lump inside that was causing all the mess, thrown it out, and lovingly placed everything back with a cute pat on my shoulder.

I also find it fascinating that simple organs like my two eyes, can conduct something as amazing as that. I actually love watching the tears as they flow down my cheeks, leaving an extremely red eye afterwards to simply say; I was here.

I'd never feel ashamed of my ability to cry, or what seems like my excessive use of tears, just the way Graham feels good about what he does. Tears are among the most beautiful blessings God has created, and for that, I sincerely pray for every human being out there to get to experience what it feels like being "a major weeper". Amen.