The Apathetic Attachments

Looking back at it all, realizing it's been happening all along the way. It's been repeating itself over and over again, destroying a new tiny part inside, every time. Parts that were never felt before, but together made a huge hole. Still not a hole though, but a destroyed, un-mend-able part, within.

I met them, we changed. I loved you, distance brought us apart. I enjoyed her company, she died. I thought he was all I wanted, I grew up. I still thought you were the only untouchable part I owned, but apparently, life still had its own plans.

Time after time, feelings started freezing. Yes, feelings freeze. Freezing every other thing along, but life just doesn't wait for anything to melt.

I wonder why is it that after this particular time, I can't get back to who I was, who I've always been?! Who's that apathetic person you turned me into? It was expected I know, I prayed for it all to happen. But maybe it just didn't turn out to be how I imagined it? Maybe.

You don't know why I turned into the person I am, but trust me; neither do I. You changed my deep down self, without neither of us even noticing.

Attachments, that's what they do. There's a thin line between being too attached to absolutely everything around you, and between being completely apathetic. I've crossed that line. But I can't get back, you know why? Because I've crossed it in the most inhuman way ever, tearing it all apart. There's no line anymore. There's just me, refusing to get attached to anything new. Refusing to get into all what I've been wanting since forever. Looking for other reasons to justify my refutations. But at the end of the day, I'm here all alone by myself. Knowing it's not true. Knowing it's me, or it's actually you.

Well, it's not your fault, no. Neither is it mine. Maybe it's the line's fault. Or maybe it's what I should've been, without anyone's fault.

Worst thing about it all is feeling the apathy towards Him. I'm sorry. I'm truly sorry..

My inner-cleaning week (2)

I love those days in which I feel that God's the one who has waken me up. I set my alarm yes, but I don't always hear it, so God is usually the one who wakes me up. Or so I believe. Today was one of those days.

I got out of bed at around 8 am for my bus was going to be there at 8.30. I had previously planned what I was going to wear so it didn't take me so long, and off I went. The bus was there on time, and I was the first one to ride. Then came in yesterday's 20-year-old girl and we had a small conversation. It was definitely better than yesterday, we still had some awkward silences, but not as awkward as I were yesterday. I guess it was just the first shock of being around people.

We arrived there early and waited for the day to begin while having some conversations. I was very energetic and kept talking to everyone, welcoming whoever came in the room, and being friendly with whomever felt out of place. I realized I love being friendly to people I don't know. We took pictures and chatted until almost everyone was there. One of last year's friends was sitting beside me and she was really friendly, and we discussed colleges and stuff. Then she realized my phone was on airplane mode, and they all kept making fun of me since then, for I said I hated talking with people, in a good way though.

We started the day with the explanation session once again, continuing Surat Al-Tawba. Today was mainly about a battle called "Tabuk". The lecturer kept telling us all about it, and how Muslims back then went through a lot of hardships to fight Romans and spread Islam. It was great.

Then came Qur'an time. I hadn't been reading it since a really long time and for that I felt really bad. I lost my ability to read at first, but it was okay later. I just felt bad cuz I knew how to read but it was as if it was the first time ever for me to. I didn't care about people, I just knew God must have been really mad at me. I never want to leave it that way again, seriously.

While we were reading, a girl started crying after she was done because she had messed up so many things while reading. She was a different girl, other than yesterday's, her cousin actually. And again, I felt really thankful for at least still having the ability to read, and for knowing I'd never cry if I were ever in a similar situation. I hope I last that way for a long time.

Break time. I saw a girl from last year's week, and felt happy to see her again. She was very awkward at the beginning and probably didn't remember my name, but later when she saw me again she told me something that I'll never forget. She told me I looked more beautiful than I did last year, and that really made me happy. It was the second or third time someone compliments that, and I always felt thankful for continuously getting cuter. I'm not stupid, right? Right?? No seriously, I just love such compliments, especially from people who haven't seen me in a long time, cuz I never notice any changes in myself, so, IT JUST MAKES ME HAPPY OKAY? lol, it just truly does.

Another friend from last year who hasn't been really good friends with me, spoke a lot with me today and even asked me to come sit with her once. I noticed that the key to people is simply "listening". It's something most people lack nowadays, as everyone's just always talking, talking, and talking, and no one has the time to listen to anyone. And no one really gives people the reactions they wait for. So, I discovered it was actually a skill of mine, that again, I'm so thankful for. I seriously love the small special parts that God adds to my personality throughout the years.

After the break, we had the second part of yesterday's session but with a different lecturer. She was the sister of my Qur'an teacher, who looks so much like her. I realized I missed her so much, and I'm such a bad person for totally losing contact with someone as beautiful as she is. Anyway, the lecture was interesting. She first showed as a video of a guy who has been totally lost, searching for happiness, and how he found it when he found God. It was very touching. The rest of the lecture was mainly the same as yesterday, I actually enjoyed it more yesterday. I don't remember anything that significant that I've learnt, we were just talking about the processes of Tawba and how to do it and so. Almost just like yesterday. We were divided into three groups and ours had 10 members, so I didn't really get to work that much like yesterday. I realized I only take the responsibility of something when there's no one else to take it. I was actually too lazy today.

I didn't enjoy the day that much like I did yesterday, except maybe for the very last part. The daughter of my Qur'an teacher, who's an Applied Arts major, came to teach us some painting. She just got married a few days ago and I was very happy for her. I welcomed her with a huge smile and said congratulations but I felt that feeling you get when you meet most of the newly weds. I dunno if it's just me, but she just wasn't the person I knew. If I ever got married, I truly never ever want to change any of my ways with people. I have no idea why they all change. Or most of them, to be fair.

Though I know nothing about drawing and painting, but I got to know an amazing person through that activity. She was sitting beside me and we shared a few laughs until we were choosing what to draw and she asked me to draw something like her. I loved that. We started drawing the same thing and painting together, and it was actually so much fun. That girl is just too cute. I love those people whom you can totally get used to as soon as you know them. We didn't even get to know each other and such stuff, we just immediately felt we were friends, and that's my favourite kind of people.

I don't think today was that significant, but I did not dislike it though. It was a good one.

The beginning of my inner-cleaning week

I like to call times like these "inner-cleaning", for I experience so many changes within. Today, was the beginning of a religious activity that I've been going to last year and totally enjoyed. I felt so many inner changes at that time but my awful human nature needs continuous reminders, so the effect of that week, sadly, vanished shortly. That's why I've decided this year to write, right after coming back from the activity everyday. Human beings tend to forget, that's why a written record would be of great help later, not to mention that writing has always been my cure for everything. So here starts my medication session!

The day normally starts at 10.00 am but I had previously set a date for my driving lesson at 11.00 so mom offered to drive me there after I'm done. I arrived there at around 12.30 with very few familiar faces at the door. I remember that what made me enjoy it the most last year, was the company, and the amazing people I've met there. So, I was expecting so many familiar faces but there were a lot of new ones. I said hi to everyone I knew, and I was awkward I know. Today's awkward moments were a lot but anyway, I saw two of my close friends and we chatted for a while. It felt weird, cuz you know, I had a totally different meeting scenario in mind. I thought they were all going to be people I know and I'd feel so welcomed just like they always were, but it wasn't even close to how I imagined it. It was weird, not disappointing though.

Shortly, we were all called upstairs, after praying. The moment I entered the room, I felt so many memories coming back. I was sure from inside that the person who was entering the room at that moment, was totally different from the person who was there just a year ago. Everything was different. Not about the room, about me. The friends who brought me there last year meant everything to me back then. The way I looked at life in general, was different. I was wondering if I came back next year, who would I really be? It was just for a few seconds, then I got caught up with people.

Oh, let me tell you about something. On last year's Eid day, I met some of the girls I've known there, during the Eid prayer. Among them was a girl whom I had known a long, long time ago, from that same activity, but when we were little kids. I remembered her, but I knew she didn't. I felt sad for sometime back then but forgot about it later. She wasn't a close friend or anything, she was just a part of my life that I knew I was probably the only one who remembered it. That's what you get for having a good memory. It's a blessing I know, but can make one feel really bad at times. Anyway, so, I saw this girl today when I entered the room. I kept staring at her, cuz she brought back memories as well. It was her same voice, a lot of her expressions, but I knew she'd never recognize me.

A lady then came in for a lecture. She first asked the girls who were still in school to raise their hands, and you guys, I unconsciously raised mine! I was serious, not trying to be funny or anything. I thought I was still in school, college obviously still isn't welcomed. Anyway, we started an explanation session of Surat Al-Tawba. We learnt that it could be called "Baraa'a", "Al-Fadeha", and "Al-Kashefa" as well. It was from the very last chapters that was sent to the Prophet, and doesn't start with the normal "Besm Ellah Al-Rahman Al-Raheem", that all chapters of the Qur'an start with. That omission was explained by scientists and researches as in that the name of God signifies peace and mercy, while the first verse starts with "Baraa'a" which signifies grumpiness and the total opposite of safety and peacefulness, so they can't come after each other. It was also said that that's because it's complementary to the previous chapter.

What I remember mostly from the explanation was that Muslims were working on spreading Islam, and so they gave the non-Muslims two choices, either converting to Islam, or leaving Madinah in 40 days or they'd be killed. So they either perform "Tawba", or lose their residence. God kept on saying that he'd accept Tawba from any of the non-believers, even the unmannerly ones. That's a reminder for Muslims that even though non-Muslims might be doing so many undesirable actions, God will still accept their Tawba. So Muslims should never despair, God is merciful.

He also made it clear that there are so many permissible actions that He accepts in general, but never would if any of them stopped Muslims from their Jihad. Examples are parents, children, siblings, money, commerce and many other things. Normally, there's nothing wrong with any of those, but if they were ever a reason for not going for Jihad, then it's not acceptable. This pretty much describes how it should be now. The blessings we were offered will always be normal, except if they get in the way between God and his slave, not just Jihad. If internet, for example, spoils our prayers' times, our Khosou', or anything similar, then it's definitely not accepted.

Moreover, the verses describes how Muslims were impressed by their number during one of the battles, forgetting it was actually all about God's help and not anything that has to do with them. This needs Tawba as well, and God will accept it for He's forgiving.

The lecturer said something beautiful during her conversation. She stated that the people whom God loves, continually get messages in their daily lives. Whenever they're about to get off the right track, God makes sure to send them harsh messages, to get back on track. Like for example, if you woke up one day feeling very energized and happy, then you met someone who talked to you in a very offensive way, which totally ruined your day. That's a message. You should stop and think, why did God send me this person at this time? Maybe it's cuz you said something similar to someone else earlier, ruining their day, too, so God just wanted to teach you a lesson. That's just a very tiny example. It's just that we should pay attention to the small messages, or any bad moments in our lives, for God always has a reason for those events. She gave an example for Mubarak and his helpers, they've gotten a really hard message after they've been lost in the benefits of their positions. They might not pay attention to it, but it might still lead to remembering that God is above all, and that they should really get back to Him. People who don't get such messages during their lives, should really worry. And devoted Muslims, should know that when they meet people who do not pay attention to their religion that much but still lead a very happy life, that means that they only lack the messages from God and that this happiness is just a fake, temporary one.

The session was really interesting and informative. After it was over, I felt I should really start looking into meanings of verses cuz the Qur'an is such a special Book that if correctly understood, will surely have glamorous effects on one's life. It's actually bad that we're considered Muslims and know very little about our own Book. I need to do something about that.

Meanwhile, a close friend of mine (one of the two I was chatting with earlier), was kind of mad at me. It was all because of the normal "you never ask" arguments and it was the second time I was able to refuse giving any explanations. I felt proud. I know she's a close friend, I love her so much, but my life wasn't stable for the last couple of weeks, and she knows about it all, yet she doesn't accept it. I detest talking on the phone, I hate the phrase "you never ask", but I've always been running after people who were mad at me for that, to make it up for them. But just not anymore. I know it sounds so mean, but the way I apologize for nothing but being myself, just makes me feel worse. So, these days I'm starting to practice doing what makes me feel comfortable, without apologizing, because it's stupid accepting everyone the way they are, but not getting it back the same way. Do I make sense? I mean most of my friends are sociable, talkative people, who like to stay in touch all the time, and I do accept that. I call them often, even though I hate it. I try as much as I can to stay in contact, but all what I get at the end are fights whenever I try getting some space. So, I decided I'm not going to apologize anymore for something that's actually out of my hands. That's just me, if you don't accept it, then I can't really do anything about it.

Back to the sessions, another lady came in looking very familiar. She turned out to be one of the lecturers who was there last year, and I was amazed that I did remember her though I never felt her inside my head before. I mean whenever I thought about last year's week, she never came to my mind like other lecturers, but when I saw her, I did remember her. My brain amazes me.

The session was more fun than the previous one. She interacted more with us and touched so many parts inside me. She started by discussing what "Sharee'a" means, why do we follow it and what we get from that. Then we started discussing Tawba, too. And ended it with identifying all our sins and classifying them into five main areas that they affect; our religion, our souls, our relationships with others, our money, and lastly, our brains.

We learnt the difference between "Ghayba" and "Nameema". Ghayba is mainly talking about the bad traits of people behind their backs. Nameema is just passing on stories, transferring information and such stuff. They are both huge sins and we seldom notice the presence of both in our daily lives, but they do exist. She was asked what should we do when we just feel like getting stuff off our chests by talking to our friends about events that happened with certain people that has affected us badly. She replied that the best way to get it off your chest is by talking it all to God. I smiled within. It's definitely the best way, and I've tried it before but I needed to do it more often. Considering God your best friend will save you so many troubles that human beings could cause, and will reduce the risk of "Ghayba" and "Nameema".

She divided us into five groups, each group working on a certain story together, and that was the highlight of my day. We were assigned Sayedna Dawood's story and were asked to identify his sin, what led to this sin, and how did he perform Tawba, all in twenty minutes. We were five girls and I secretly decided to leave them do all the work cuz I was too lazy to do anything. But it didn't go that way.

We decided to read the verses that described the story first. The words were kind of complicated but my friend was able to understand some parts and explained to us what she understood. We all suddenly realized how dumb we were and read them again to fully grasp it all. We were given charts to write what we'll present. One of the five girls took the initiative to start writing, for she had some artistic skills and good handwriting. I don't know why but I suddenly felt like I wanted this to be the best presentation ever. I grabbed the verses, read their explanation, and discussed with another girl how the three analysis we were asked for could be written. We suddenly made an amazing team; my friend explaining the first parts to us, one girl with artistic abilities, one girl with knowledge and writing abilities, and another girl and myself agreeing to present it together.

To sum it up, our analysis of the story was that two brothers went to Sayedna Dawood, asking for his justice. One brother had 99 goats and the other had just 1 goat. The one with the 99 goats wanted to take that 1 goat from his brother and went to Sayedna Dawood to ask for that. The sin was that Sayedna Dawood did not listen to both sides, and just depended on what he saw. He immediately told the one with the 99 goats that he's not allowed to take the goat, without asking for further details. When he realized his mistake, he quickly asked for forgiveness from God, fell on his knees praying, promised he won't do that again. That's a quick summary. The other girl and I distributed speaking roles among each other and acted it all together while waiting for the other groups to get done with their stories.

The twenty minutes were over shortly and everyone handed in their charts for presentation. We had a look on the other charts and felt bad cuz ours was the simplest of them all. It wasn't bad, no, but there were much better ones, so we kind of lost our confidence. I told the other girl to present alone cuz I wasn't ready to put myself in such an embarrassing situation, presenting the worst chart. My friend (who was preciously mad at me), kept laughing all the way since I agreed to present until that very moment and even after it. She thought I'd be too shy and won't be able to say anything.

The lecturer asked who would like to start, and the girl from our team raised her hands up high. I didn't move an inch until the girl with the artistic skills looked at me and kept pushing me with her words to go out there and present. I kept saying no, my friend kept laughing, and she kept insisting that I should go. Something pushed me from within and the next thing I knew was that I was out there presenting. Normally, when I speak in front of a large crowd like that, I'd feel the heat inside, and the blood reaching out to my cheeks. The most thing I hated about talking in public was how my face ALWAYS turned red. You won't believe that but for the very first time in my whooooole life, not one tiny thing from those happened. I was talking fluently, using the right words, looking through all their eyes, and making my points very clear and detailed. I didn't realize it at that time but when I went back to my seat and felt my face, it was normal. No heat, no blood flowing, nothing. I don't know how that happened but that was one of the best moments of my life.

We listened to the other groups presenting their stories and seriously, no one was good as we were. I'm not being arrogant or anything, but first of all, we were the only group with two girls presenting, so we were able to back each other up whenever one fell, and our confidence wasn't like any of them. Whenever any presenter was done, the lecturer would explain their story again with her own words, telling us what she exactly wanted us to learn, and we were the closest to her words. There were stories for Sayedna Soliman, Sayedna Moussa, Sayedna Adam, and Sayedna Younis. It was really informative as well.

One of the girls went back crying to her seat for she had messed up a few things during her presentation, and of course I felt very bad for her, but at the same time, deep down, I was very thankful for I knew that if I were in her place, and I totally messed it up, I'd never cry. I dunno how, but I just know it. Cuz people make mistakes, you know. So, besides doing great on our presentation, I deeply kept thanking God for giving me what others lacked, and I realized this was something I was always taking for granted. Alhamdulillah.

One of the happy things I've done today was that I was the first one to clap to the other groups whenever they were done, to remind others to clap along. I know that was something insignificant to many, but to me, when the lecturer asked them to clap for us after we were done, I was truly happy. I have a soul of a child within, who gets excited for the tiniest things ever. That's why I was happy clapping for others, it felt awesome giving them what I had truly enjoyed having. That part is one of my favourite parts in my life, since the team working, until presenting and clapping. I'm glad I've lived those moments.

Two last things I've learned from that lecture was that Satan constantly keeps telling Muslims that they've done so many sins that they shouldn't even think about asking God for anything, and that is so wrong. This personally happens with me, so I was glad to know it's not true. I feel ashamed a lot when I've done so many wrongs, that I don't feel okay asking God for more things. She said that as long as you've done Tawba and you truly feel bad about it and ask Him for forgiveness, you have all the right to ask for whatever you want, and that made me feel at ease. God is merciful once more, never doubt that. And the other thing that I've learnt is that when you're asking for forgiveness, it's very important to ask God Himself to help you and give you the strength not to make that same mistake once again. Not just feeling sorry and asking for forgiveness, but asking for help to do that. I loved knowing those two.

On our way back on the bus, I had conversations with different people. Among them was a 20-year-old girl who was in her fourth year in pharmacy. She seemed very decent and nice and since I've seen her in the morning, I wanted to get to know her. We talked a lot on our way but I was the most awkward person alive, I couldn't believe it was me. I just totally lost the ability to keep a conversation going and get to know new people and stuff. I was VERY awkward, you have no idea. She was very sociable and kept talking and asking questions but I couldn't do the same and was mostly humming whenever I found no reply, or just laughing my insincere laugh. It's not lack of self confidence, I'm sure. It's just lack of communication. Maybe I just wasn't ready to have a conversation. I have to work on this for the coming week, cuz that will be a horrible problem during college.

I think that's all what happened today. I can see that this blog is just slowly turning into my personal diary, but I still love that. I never want to stop writing, it seriously makes me feel so much better. A blessing I'm so thankful for.

I'll come back tomorrow with new information and adventures insha'Allah!

The girl who thought she'd want to leap through time, but never again.

I've just finished watching a movie called "The girl who leapt through time", and just felt like I wanted to write.


The movie was from the very few ones that left me with a "HOW COME?" after almost every scene. I could never predict what could happen next and never expected a thing from what happened. And even though it was an Animation, I would still tear up through the touching moments.


First of all, if anyone's reading this without watching the movie, you gotta watch it first, if you don't want it spoiled. I'm not really sure what I'm going to write, I just feel I have too much within and not sure if there'd be spoilers or not.


Ever since I passed my 6th Grade, I've always wished I had the ability to go back in time. As days passed, the amount of stuff I'd wish to get back in my life, kept increasing. I had too many longings and I always thought that the days before those which I was living in, were so much better than my present.


That was one reason for my permanent longing. Another reason was that I've always wanted to edit some stuff from my past, undo some mistakes, and take some chances I've missed. I'd always play some conversations inside my head that has happened with some people, and wish I had replied differently or done something else. The uncountable embarrassing moments I've experienced through my days would always be regretted at night.


But of course none of that I've wished for, ever came true. I'd keep convincing myself that everything happens for a reason and that my life was all previously written for me, so regression was just of no use. Still, there'd be a little, tiny part inside, that would keep on recalling certain moments and blaming me for not doing what she wanted me to do, believing she knows best, no matter how much I tried to convince her with the opposite.


The movie very much triggered that part in me. As soon as Makoto realized she was able to leap through time, that tiny part grew larger and kept shouting out; "YES, I WANT THIS! PLEASE, I REALLY DO!". And I'd reply; "Shut up, it's just a movie!". But I knew I wanted this, too. I wanted to be able to undo certain events, I still wanted to correct some of my unintentional mistakes.


Through the first part of the movie, I secretly kept envying her, wishing that could happen for real. Whenever she was able to undo Chiaki's confession, I'd envy her more and more. I imagined myself undoing one certain big mistake of my life, that I've been regretting for too long, and it felt so good erasing it. But reality always hit back, I knew it'll always remain.


Kazuko then came in with another reality; "Ever think that someone might be suffering from your good fortune?". That question kept me thinking for so long. I couldn't possibly see how anyone would be affected by me changing MY own life?! "I feel sorry for Chiaki. After he worked up the courage," she said later. She was right. Just because Makoto didn't see herself with him doesn't mean she had the right to ruin his life, after he'd passed through a hard time trying to confess his love to her.


The way Chiaki first ended up was heartbreaking. Makoto suddenly realized she did really love him, which was very stupid after all the undo's she'd been doing. That was another lesson to learn. The one thing she was sure she never wanted, became actually all what she ever wanted. And that happens a lot in real life. It's all about taking chances. Yes, the unknown's fearful, but doing something and realizing it won't work is definitely better than not doing it and forever wondering how it would've been like. Or forever regretting that you hadn't taken the chance when you later discover it's all what you really wanted.


Kōsuke's accident was another proof that other lives could really get ruined. Yes, all what Makoto wanted was to get him and Kaho together, and changing fates was obviously not the right way to do it. Whatever's meant to happen, always finds its own way to happen, no matter how much anyone tries to interrupt. She got them together before it was actually meant for them to, and that resulted in their death. Ruining two lives for a noble cause wouldn't mean much then. So yeah, her intentions were good, but changing fates still had its drawbacks.


This movie was definitely a life-changing one. As soon as it ended, I could feel that tiny part in me growing smaller and smaller. I could feel she was ashamed of giving me such a hard time, cuz I've really proven myself right.


I started looking back at all what I've wanted to change about my life before, and that one huge mistake that I've thought was totally ruining my life. I realized that each and every incident of those, was perfectly planned for perfect reasons. That certain mistake especially, made me hate a certain someone so much more than I could have ever hatted them before I've done it. I would have been still suffering until this moment if I had never done what I've done, and for that I feel thankful. I would have certainly kept wondering what would it have been like if I did it, but I would have never known what it really feels like.

Anyway, putting this one thing aside, the rest of my life is definitely something I'd forever feel thankful for. Even if there were some moments when I'd be wishing I'd just disappear, I definitely learnt a lot from those experiences and I'm not coming up with quotes or anything but I would have certainly never been the person I am now if it weren't for certain incidents that my tiny part has always been regretting.


I really hope that this tiny part is fully convinced now, as much as I really am. For one thing I'm sure of, if I had the opportunity to go back in time or change anything I wanted from my past, I would never change a single thing.

The not-so-clear Future

And here's a blank page. Staring at it makes me want to keep on writing until forever. It's just the what, I'm not certain about. What to write about?


I've been having all kinds of thoughts during the most stressful time of my year, exams. Now they're over, and it's like someone switched off everything inside. It's quiet in there, yet I feel crowded. It's like there's a room inside where thoughts travel to whenever they need to be thought of, yet they're all standing at the edge of the door, not sure if they really want to enter. The room's empty, all thoughts are waiting for somebody among them to enter first, but no one has the courage to. Is it that their previous experiences with me made it a scary room? Do I do thinking wrong? I don't know what they're up to.


Oh wait, there's a thought. I'm not sure if it was forced inside or if it has entered on its own.


College. That's what I can feel inside right now. College, in.. two.. months? 60 days? When did that even happen? How did the years pass by that fast?


I still remember my primary days, the innocence, the childishness, the pureness. We were kids. I think we were the last kids could be. Kids nowadays aren't kids. Primary days were probably the only days I weren't longing for a previous life in. It was the only life I knew of. And it was the most part that I remember I was absolutely myself in. I still remember the very tiny, beautiful details.


Then a new stage, prep. New school, very different people, and a part of myself that was lost in trying to please them. Little did I know.


And shortly, another very different stage, in a totally different country. Still losing a new part of myself for new people.


Returning back home, it was the first time I've experienced missing people whom I'll never be allowed to see again. Cuz, distance. The most painful way to miss people. What's worse is looking back at it all now and realizing that distance does end friendships, and break millions of promises.


I kept on longing for those two parts of my life, primary and traveling, that I didn't have the time to enjoy another part of my life. It wasn't until the very end of prep stage that I realized I was really going to miss it. The green days. The last myself that I ever were.


The summer of that part was the most remarkable. Getting to know 40 new girls who've helped shape so many things in my personality, and again departing, but luckily not for distance. Moreover, the beginning of our spontaneous trips with more people who became a really huge part of my life, until I realized people change, for the weirdest reasons. I didn't know back then, that this summer would be such a great part of my longings.


Blue days came by very fast. Three stressful, long years of my life, yet the quickest ever. Three years, with a totally different me through each year, that I've lost the true me along. Three years, with death departures, life-changing decisions, and totally different close friends each year. Three years that gave an end result of a person who weren't even close to the person pre- those three years. Three years full of stress, but satisfaction and an effort worthwhile. Three years with the feeling of working towards a dream for the very first time. Three years.


I can't believe I've survived them. I can't believe they're over. I can't even believe my whole school life's over already and I'd reply to the "What year are you in?" question, with a college year answer.


It's one of those times when one could never be sure how to feel. Excitement? Yes, it's obviously a new phase that I know very little about, and there's a lot to enjoy. But there's still fear. Fear of not being accepted? Or fear of not fitting in? No, that shouldn't even exist for I've passed through a lot where I've regretted not being myself in. I don't want to lose another part of myself, if one still exists. I know I'm still not sure about who I am, but I don't want to lose the chance of finding out. I think I just fear the idea of growing up. Taking the responsibility of my own decisions. Knowing what I want to do with my life. Facing real life.


I currently don't feel bad about anything I've lost on my journey to where I am. Not people, not chances, not anything. I think I'm done longing. I think I'm satisfied, cuz all that perfectly made me who I am.


I think I'm going to enjoy the next phase of my life, I just hope I don't get shocked with too many realities on the way.


For now though, I'm going to enjoy those two months to the max. They're the last I've got before college life. Before the life I don't know anything about. I just need to make sure not to get too excited, or too scared. Everything will just come when it's time for it to.


Thank you college thought for popping out, I hope the rest could follow, sometime soon.

خليك ف حياتك

فيه حاجة بقت بتحيرني قوي فالناس اليومين دول، ومن كتر الحيرة بدأت توصل للإستفزاز. كل واحد فينا بقي بيحب يعيش حياة الناس اللي حواليه أكتر مابيعيش حياته هو شخصياً. وده غالباً بيبقي لسببين مالهمش تالت.

أولاً، تقريباً بيبقي بسبب إننا خلاص حلينا مشاكلنا كلها اللي ف حياتنا إحنا وعملنا كل اللي نفسنا فيه خلاص لدرجة إننا زهقنا من حياتنا بقي وعايزين نعيش حياة غيرنا، عشان ناخذ خبرة أكتر مثلاً أو حاجة. ده سبب، وده أشك إن أي حد ممكن يوصله بس ماشي. تاني سبب بقي هو إننا بقينا قرفانين من حياتنا الشخصية ومش عارفين نعيشها إزاي بالضبط فقررنا نسيبها لحد غيرنا مثلاً يبقي يجي يتصرف فيها ونروح بقي إحنا ندورلنا علي حياة حد تاني نعيشها، ومش لازم الحد ده يكون موافق أصلاً، هو إحنا كده كده خلاص هنعيشها، ماهو مش قدمنا حل تاني. تصدقوا كمان ممكن يبقي فيه نوع تالت! بني آدم عجباه حياته بس ف نفس الوقت عجباه حياة غيره، فقرر بقي يعيشهم هما الإتنين سوا، كنوع من الرفاهية مثلاً. وده فالغالب بني آدم بتكون حياته فاضية أصلاً فابيسلي وقته بس فنفس الوقت مش عايز يسيب حياته لحد تاني برضه.

ف أي حالة من الحالات ديه، الموضوع بيبقي مستفز قوي. خصوصاً لو حد زيي كده حياته ماليانة مثلاً بس مش بيحب يكون فيه حد عارف كـــل حاجة عنه. مش عشان حاجة، عشان بس ديه حياته هو ويمكن هو نِفسه يعيشها كلها براحته من غير تدخلات. بس التدخلات بتيجي برضه مفيش مفر منها.

أول نوع من التدخلات ديه، بني أدم عايز يعرف كل خطوة عن حياتك ويعيشها معاك، صحيت امتي، عملت ايه بالضبط أول ماصحيت، ذاكرت والا لأ، طب لو اه كام صفحة، اتغديت أنواع أكل ايه بالتفصيل، غسلت سنتك اللي فوق تاني واحدة علي اليمين كام مرة بالضبط، عطست كام مرة ونفيت بمانديل نوعه ايه، وانت داخل تنام هتتغطي بملاية ألوانها ايه وطولها كام متر وناوي تحلم بإيه كمان. أي تفصيلة صغيرة ممكن تتسئل هيسألوك عنها من غير تردد ومن غير أي شعور بالتدخل إطلاقاً. فيه ناس بتعتبر ده مثلاً اهتمام زيادة يعني وانهم كدة مهتمين بيك وكارمينك يعني. بس المفاجأة إن النوع ده من الصداقة بيبقي أسوء نوع، لبعض الناس، مابقولش كلهم. حد زيي مثلاً مش هيبقي حاسس براحة خالص طول ماهو حاسس إنه متراقب كده وفيه حد معاه كل تفصيلة فحياته. أصل كل حاجة وليها حدها يعني برضه، واللي بيزيد عن حده، بيتقلب ضده. وغالباً النوع ده من الناس إحتمال تكون حياتهم مملة قوي فقرروا يعيشوا حياة تانية بس الفكرة إنهم كده مش بعيشوها برضه، هما كده بيعرفوا عنها بس، والحد اللي حياته هي ديه هو اللي فالأخر بيعيشها. مش عارفة ده نوع مالفراغ والا ايه طيب؟

تاني نوع بقي، مش بيبقي عايز يعرف تفاصيل حياتك زي النوع اللي فوق ده، لأ ده بقي بيبقي عايز يدخل جوة دماغك يعرف بتفكر فإيه بالضبط وإيه أسرارك مثلاً اللي إنت ممكن تكون مخبيها عنه. أنا فشلت ف إني أعرف إيه سبب وجود النوع ده، فيه منهم مابيشركوكش حياتهم أصلاً والا أفكارهم وكده، بس بيبقوا عايزين يعرفوا أفكارك إنت، بالعافية كده. منهم ناس بيقوا ممكن قريبين منك بس مش بإختيارك، ف بيحسوا إن ده مثلاً حقهم إنهم يعرفوا كل الحاجات ديه عنك وعشان لو هتحط نفسك ف مشكلة يلحقوك، علي أساس إن انت معاندكش رأي يعني ولسه عايل مش هاتعرف تتصرف. وده ساعات بيكون نوع أسوء من اللي فات. واه بقي لو النوعين دول موجودين سوا ف بني آدم واحد، بتبقي قـاتـلـة. أنا اللي ساعات باستغربلوا هو ليه الناس ديه بيفضلوا ينخوروا ورايا كده بالعافية عشان يعرفوا حاجات ممكن لو هما بقوا ف حالهم شوية، أقولهلم أنا بنفسي. ليه الإصرار علي معرفة حاجات أنا مش عايزة أطلعها؟

أحلي نوع أصحاب وبني آدمين فالدنيا هما اللي يسيبوك تحكيلهم اللي انت عايزه وقت ماتحب. ويبقوا صحابك قوي بس مش شرط عارفين كل تفصيلة عن حياتك، عارفين بس اللي انت حابب تقولوا. فيها ايه لو بقينا كلنا كده؟ ومحدش يضايق لما صاحبه أو حد قريب منه مايحكيلوش حاجة معينة، مش عشان حاجة غير إنه بس مش حاسس إنه عايز يحكيها.

أكتر حاجة بكرها ف حياتي هي إن حد يبقي عارف كل ده عني و عارف إني هحكيله وقت ماحب بس يفضل يفرض نفسه علي حياتي بحجة "الإهتمام".

أنا مش عارفة الكلام اللي فرق ده كله له علاقة ببعضه أصلاً والا لأ بس أنا فعلاً مش لاقية سبب تاني للتدخلات ديه غير إن الناس مبقاش عندها حياة فقرروا يقرفونا معاهم. محدش قال خالص برضه إن أنا حياتي ديه كلها تحفة يعني وهادفة ومشغولة وكده، بس عمري ماهبقي عايزة أعرف حاجة عن حد هو مش عايز يقولهالي.

يارب كل واحد يخليه ف حياته هو بس ويدي للناس التانية مسافة تعيش حياتهم بحرية شوية. يارب ارحمنا من الفضول.

Spontaneity

You know what I love the most about my life? The randomness. I've met so many of my favourite friends in the weirdest ways ever. I've been to certain places, that changed my whole life, by total chance. Everything, absolutely everything, about my life was random. I know God has planned it all, but I can say I totally love how my life is perfectly, randomly planned.

Our beauty lies within our differences

People are confusing creatures, and out of all those people, I confuse myself the most.

I know I’m such an emotional person, I keep telling people how much I love them when I truly do, I can somehow feel what words people would need to hear, and try to say them. I write very long replies when I know it would mean a lot to people. And at the end, I'm surrounded by so many unemotional people, and they probably don't even realize it.

When I write long replies, I expect to get long ones in return, but I never do. When I support someone or even just listen to them, I expect to, at least, feel appreciated, but that sometimes goes unnoticed. I know a lot of those people do not do that on purpose, it's just their personalities, they express themselves in ways other than I do. I've always thought I needed to change that about myself. I thought being overemotional in an environment where most people lack emotions, was wrong. I tried changing that, I would start giving shorter replies, start noticing how people act and try to act like them, just to be able to deal with them. But at the end I would know there was something wrong. I would always feel uncomfortable, within. This was so not myself, I was trying to be someone I'm not, just to be like everybody else. Which is the most stupid thing, ever.

I stopped for a second and thought, why would I be the one changing myself for people? Why wouldn't they be the ones increasing their emotional skills or something? Then I thought, why would any of us even change themselves for the other? The two sides have different personalities, experiences, and concepts. We only deal with people through ways that makes us most comfortable, and if any one tried changing one thing about themselves, they'll be uncomfortable and they'll never feel true about themselves anymore, for they're constantly pretending to be someone they're not.

I express myself better through words, through plenty of words, and if I ever stop that, I'd lose a meaning of life. I won't even fit in that other group, cuz I don't even know how to do that. It's just not me. And on the other hand, unemotional people would still never feel better if they ever joined the other side.

Everyone is unique in their own way, and if we keep trying to reduce our differences to be able to deal with others, this world will just be a very, very boring place.

I'm proud of being such a detailed, talkative, and emotional person. Cuz that's what defines me. This is who I am. And this is something that should never change for the sake of people.

الحمد لله

أول خطوة ف السلِم

أنا مش عارفة أنا عايزة أكتب ايه بس الاحساس اللي أنا حاساه جوايا دلوقتي لازم يطلع بطريقةٍ ما.

من صُغري وأنا عندي حلم كبير، وزي أي حلم، لازم أشتغل علشانه، ماينفعش أفضل أحلم بيه من غير ما أكون فعلاً باتعب عشان أوصله. وعشان الحلم ده يتحقق، فيه كذا حاجة لازم تتعمل قبله. وعشان أعمل الحاجات التانية ديه لازم أخذ كل خطوة ف وقتها، بالراحة، وبإتقان. أنا دلوقتي تقريباً فأول خطوة، بس اكتشفت إن الموضوع فعلاً متعب قوي، وعشان بس أحقق أول خطوة هكون تقريباً استنزفت طاقتي كلها، ومش واثقة إن بعد كل ده هاعرف أكمل. مش واثقة اني هلاقي الطاقة اللي تخليني أكمل، أو مش واثقة إن الخطوة اللي جاية هتبقي زي ما أنا مُتخيلاها فدماغي، وهي غالباً مش هتبقي كده.

بس الفكرة ف دلوقتي، الإحساس اللي أنا حاساه دلوقتي غريب، قوي. حاسة كأني طلعة سلم طوييل، والسلالم بتاعته كبيرة قوي، كل سلِمة أدي مرتين مثلاً. وأنا لازم أطلع السلم ده كله لو عايزة أحقق حلمي. بس طلوع السلم ده فعلاً هياخذ وقت. فأنا لازم أختار بين إني أطلعه، أو أنسي حلمي وخليني ماشية فوسط الطريق وخلاص، تايهة، وعلاطول ندمانة إني سبت السلم.

أنا قلت لكل الناس إني ناوية أطلع السلم، فيه ناس فرحوا قوي بيّا، وفيه ناس ضحكوا قوي عليّا. مش عارفة أنا ليه قلت للناس؟ جايز عشان أشوف الانبهار فعنيهم فأتشجع؟ بس أنا كده بشوف انبهار، واحتفل بفرحة، حاجة مش موجودة أصلاً. والا جايز قولتلهم عشان لما مايصدقونيش، يبقي دافع ليّا إني أكمِّل وأثبتلهم إني أقدر؟ فكِلا الحالتين، أنا لسه حلمي بيكبر معايا كل يوم، ومش ناوية أتخلي عنه إن شاء الله، غير لما أحاول كل المحاولات الممكنة وأفشل، عشان ساعتها أبقي حاسة إني عملت كل اللي في وسعي، بس السلالم هي اللي كانت مكسورة، ف أسيب تجربتي دي، يستفيد منها حد، لحد ما السلالم تتصلح. ولو إني نفسي أنا اللي أصلحها بنفسي كمان. 

الاحساس بقي اللي أنا حاساه دلوقتي غريب. أنا عند أول سلِمة من السلالم الكبييرة ديه، ورَفعة رجلي اليمين جامد قوي قوي. بس لسه مش عارفة أحُطَّها علي السلِمة التانية، والا عارفة أنزلها تاني للسلِمة الأولي وأحاول تاني. وضع مؤلم قوي. بس رجلي عمَّالة كل شوية تتحرك سِنه صغيرة قوي، بس ببتحرك. ومحتاجة بس إنها توصل للسلِمة التانية علشان تشد رجلي الشمال معاها، وتطلع تقف فوق.

الوضع مؤلم قوي، وأنا بدل ماركز إزاي أساعد نفسي عشان أطلع، عمالة بافكر فالحاجات اللي إحتمال أشوفها وأنا عالسلِمة التانية. دماغي مشغولة بتفكر فحاجة، لو استنيت شوية هتيجي لوحدها، وهتبقي أحلي من خيالي. ورجلي بدأت توجعني من كتر ماهي متعلقة. فيه ناس تحت واقفين يقولولي هانت ويشجعوني، وفيه ناس زهقت من كتر ماشجعتني وأنا مش باتحرك من مكاني. وفيه بقي ناس فاقدة الأمل فيّا من ساعة ما كنت عالأرض، ناس مابتعرفش تحلم. فيه كمان ناس واقفين عالسلِمة التانية ديه، قاعدين يحكولي عنها ويقولولي أشد حيلي عشان أوصللها، وغيرهم بيقولولي مستعجلة علي ايه خليكي. فيه ناس زهقت مني ونِفسها إني أطلع بس عشان هي شايلة مسؤليتي فالسلِمة اللي تحت ديه.

وأنا واقفة بين كل دول، رجلي بدأت توجعني، بس اللي مصبرني إني لما أطلع فوق هاستريح. أكيد هاستريح، معقول أول خطوة من حلمي تتعبني؟ ماهي تعبتني فعلاً، بس الأوقات الحلوة اللي قضتها عليها هي اللي بتهون، وعارفة إني هاقضي أوقات أحلي فوق كمان، بس أطلع بس. المشكلة برضه إني مش راضية أبُص علي السلِمة اللي أنا واقفة فيها دلوقتي واستمتع بأخر لحظاتي، وعارفة إن الوقت ده هايوحشني قوي. بس أعمل ايه، الوجع قتلني، مش مخليني مستحملة أستمتع بحاجة. ونفسي أطلع فوق بقي. نفسي أطلع فوق. يارب لما أطلع فوق، ماتمناش إني كنت طلعت سلم تاني. يارب يكون ده السلم اللي أنا عايزاه فعلاً. يارب الوجع يجي بفايدة. يارب صبرني عالوجع ده.

ربنا يستر، ربنا كبير :)

A Feeling to Remember

I hate how I wanted to get back to writing that much, but I'm having absolutely no time for that. My head is already too crowded and I badly need to get some stuff out, but oh well, that's just life.

Anyway, I just came here to write how I feel right now. I think I would want to remember this later. Prom is tomorrow.. In like, 18 hours. And I have never felt that proud in my whole life. I actually don't feel I'm going to miss anything, and some people who are already going, don't seem excited either. I've heard too many stories about what people thought of the ones who decided not to go, and a lot of people tried to convince me to change my mind, but holding on to what I believe in, was all I could do. It actually wasn't hard.

You know when you feel God's patting you on your shoulder, telling you to hang on, and strongly supporting you? I've witnessed that feeling through the last couple of days and it actually feels... I can't even describe it, I'm just so happy! He even found me another party to go, but even better! Hamza Namira is my all-time favourite artist and I haven't missed any concert of his before! Surprisingly, he's having a concert on the same exact day, at the same exact time. It's like God knows exactly what I'll need. Hamza totally gets me out of whatever mood I'm in, so just the thought of God sending that to me, is.. Amazing.

I've just went through my Twitter profile and I've noticed there were a lot of prom-related tweets, which is not really good. I don't think I should care that much. I mean I have what's even better, why should I keep thinking about it?

A friend of mine, who's very much like me, isn't going too, and we've deciding we're going to the concert together in-sha'Allah.

I feel so proud, because I did not go with the flow, and I actually did what many of them wanted to do but feared what people would say. And I feel so happy, for the closeness I feel with God, and I love Him so much. Though I haven't been that good for the last few days, but what He's getting me through now is totally putting me on the right track once again. Just one year ago, I know I wouldn't have been thinking that way, so I'm thankful for the person God made me today.

The Prom's Nightmare

We've sadly reached a point where people care mostly about appearances more than anything else, and just keep on misjudging each other. I can say I've always been misjudged through my whole life for being somehow close-minded, or as they say "مُعقدة". People have this weird idea in mind, that whoever tries getting close to God or have some kind of "مبادئ", then they're close-minded and don't know anything about fun. They never actually get the real idea of religion. I'm not even that religious myself, but religion is totally different from how they all think of it.


I've always been doubting myself, and I've always thought it was my responsibility to let people understand that religion is just not what they think of it. I cared too much about being misjudged - by people I don't even know. Until just this year. I realized that whatever you do, people will keep on judging you, and that there are way more important things in life than caring about what people think of you. What if people, that I don't even know, thought I was close-minded? Would that even change a thing about my life? Trying to prove to people something about yourself that they misunderstand, is one of the most useless things anyone could ever do. They'll never change their opinions anyway, so you might as well just have fun being yourself instead of thinking about each and every action you do, fearing you'll be misjudged for it. People actually don't really care that much about you anyway.


So, I'm glad I've reached this stage by now, cuz this year everyone at my school is kind of obsessed with the whole prom thing and I don't really care that much. I'm kind of an introvert, so parties just aren't my thing, but I know I'll be misjudged for that. I've decided I'm not going to the prom a very long time ago, but I've always wondered how I'd be able to tell people about that. I gave it much more thought than anyone could ever imagine, and I actually can't believe I was that unconfident.


I have my own reasons. First of all, I'm not really attached to my colleagues this year, and I've seen a couple of photos for birthday parties that were held this year and I've always felt thankful I weren't among them. Prom is even going to be worse than those pictures. Boys at our school aren't really that respectable, so I'm not really happy about being with them in the same place. Not to mention the dresses obsession, and how they've all gone crazy wanting so bad to get a title. These two points have so much to reflect on, but let's just get done with the rest of the reasons first. It all started with me not liking the people at school this year, and it does really end with religion, but I don't really want to discuss that cuz of the "مُعقدة" thing. I'm proud though of being added to that category, as long as I know I'm doing something right. But it's not just about religion anyway.

Moving on to the dresses part, it just kills me. I don't mind people wearing whatever they want, but the obsession itself is what drives me crazy. I know a lot of people who have been thinking about that since like, SEPTEMBER! And the prom's in April!! Why would anyone give it THAT much thought? I'm kind of always drawn away from things that obsess people. Whenever there's too much of something, I just start disliking it. And that's why I'm actually writing about this, and giving it that much thought. The obsession. So, getting back to the dresses part, I have something more to add. Before deciding I'm going to directly tell people I'm not going, I've been asked a couple of times; "What are you going to wear?". My reply would always be "I have that dress that I wore for my sister's engagement, I guess I'll just wear it.", and you'd never imagine the looks of shock I'd always see on their faces. I don't get this, seriously! Aren't I supposed to wear something that looks nice and I'd just feel comfortable in? WHY do they give THAT MUCH thought about appearances. I don't really get why people find it offensive to wear something they've already worn, twice. Or even more! I don't get the idea. I personally know people who buy new dresses -or whatever outfit they need- for every single event they attend, and then they don't wear them again! Why? Because; "what would people say about me? I can't afford to buy clothes?", or whatever excuse they have, but it always involves "people saying". This is something I probably won't ever understand, thinking that much about clothes. To be honest, I used to give attention to what I wear, in the past. Cuz as I've already mentioned, I thought it was my responsibility to present islam. And I thought part of it was through clothes "obsession". I took care not to repeat outfits a lot so that Muslims wouldn't be judged for that. But thank God, I'm now a normal person!

A person should never be judged according to what they wear, and I strongly believe that people who judge that way, have some kind of issues. I used to have issues before, yes. But coming to really think about it, people do not deserve to take that huge part of my mind, I've more important things to stuff my mind with. Not to mention that we live in the same country with people who can't even afford to buy that one outfit. هنتحاسب عالكلام ده.

The Prom titles part is totally a different story. I've heard so much stories about people who "wanted" to get for example the "Funniest" title. How do you actually get to "want" to be something? Re-think about that previous question again. How do you "want" to be something? Don't you already have your own personality? And if you're actually something, people will vote for you eventually, without you "wanting"? I know these days the "cool gang" just organize the votes to take them all but that is just no excuse for "wanting" to be something. No seriously, the idea of this "wanting" thing is causing a HOLE in my head! The cool gang are also weird. They unethically give themselves titles for, again, something they're NOT. Isn't that some kind of having issues, or am I the weird person over here?! The amount of stories I've heard about the whole titles thing, is C.R.A.Z.Y.

This is exactly why I do not want to go. With all what I've mentioned, how on Earth am I going to have fun with people with such a mentality? Even if my reasons do not make sense for people, they do for me. I honestly don't like how people keep convincing me to come. I mean, I don't convince any of you not to go, why wouldn't you do the same? I totally have nothing against people who're going, my own best friends are going and I don't mind at all. They respect my decision and in return, I should respect theirs as well.

I don't even mind being judged as a person who doesn't know how to have fun. Cuz one thing I'm sure of is; the meaning of "fun" totally differs from one person to another. And prom to me is no where near what fun is. 

7amdella 3al Salama ya ANA!

I haven't written anything in SO long and I totally hate that! This year has been a total mess but that just shouldn't stop me from doing one of the few things that I truly enjoy in life. It's not like I'm spending my days and nights studying. I just have classes almost everyday, I've very little time to spend with myself and I started losing interest in almost everything. My free time is usually limited within the 140 Twitter characters, that I actually forgot how it's like to sit down and pour out all my thoughts on paper. I even stopped writing diary! So sad I know.
Anyways, so, I've recently joined this awesome magazine project with some awesome people. I attended the first meeting yesterday and they filled me with so much positive energy. That's why I decided to get back to writing. I miss the feeling of writing whatever I feel, just getting everything out! And being the quiet person I am, writing has always been the solution to everything in my life. So you can imagine how it's like to stop writing! My head's constantly been in a mess those past few months and I've been wondering why. I checked some of my writings yesterday and felt like crying. I was able to express every tiny thing I felt, through writing. I do not really want to lose this skill, so I'm getting back to writing on this blog. I've always thought of a blog as a place where I'd post articles and stuff to inspire people, but no, I'm going to use this as my own diary. Screw people. They've so many other ways to get inspired through, but I just need to free my mind over here, and I just don't care, even a bit, about whoever would read this and judge me. I'M HUNGRY FOR WRITING! Have you ever heard about this kind of Hunger? Yes, it's just what I feel. And I could keep writing like that until forever!
Writing is truly a blessing.