And here's a blank page. Staring at it makes me want to keep on writing until forever. It's just the what, I'm not certain about. What to write about?
I've been having all kinds of thoughts during the most stressful time of my year, exams. Now they're over, and it's like someone switched off everything inside. It's quiet in there, yet I feel crowded. It's like there's a room inside where thoughts travel to whenever they need to be thought of, yet they're all standing at the edge of the door, not sure if they really want to enter. The room's empty, all thoughts are waiting for somebody among them to enter first, but no one has the courage to. Is it that their previous experiences with me made it a scary room? Do I do thinking wrong? I don't know what they're up to.
Oh wait, there's a thought. I'm not sure if it was forced inside or if it has entered on its own.
College. That's what I can feel inside right now. College, in.. two.. months? 60 days? When did that even happen? How did the years pass by that fast?
I still remember my primary days, the innocence, the childishness, the pureness. We were kids. I think we were the last kids could be. Kids nowadays aren't kids. Primary days were probably the only days I weren't longing for a previous life in. It was the only life I knew of. And it was the most part that I remember I was absolutely myself in. I still remember the very tiny, beautiful details.
Then a new stage, prep. New school, very different people, and a part of myself that was lost in trying to please them. Little did I know.
And shortly, another very different stage, in a totally different country. Still losing a new part of myself for new people.
Returning back home, it was the first time I've experienced missing people whom I'll never be allowed to see again. Cuz, distance. The most painful way to miss people. What's worse is looking back at it all now and realizing that distance does end friendships, and break millions of promises.
I kept on longing for those two parts of my life, primary and traveling, that I didn't have the time to enjoy another part of my life. It wasn't until the very end of prep stage that I realized I was really going to miss it. The green days. The last myself that I ever were.
The summer of that part was the most remarkable. Getting to know 40 new girls who've helped shape so many things in my personality, and again departing, but luckily not for distance. Moreover, the beginning of our spontaneous trips with more people who became a really huge part of my life, until I realized people change, for the weirdest reasons. I didn't know back then, that this summer would be such a great part of my longings.
Blue days came by very fast. Three stressful, long years of my life, yet the quickest ever. Three years, with a totally different me through each year, that I've lost the true me along. Three years, with death departures, life-changing decisions, and totally different close friends each year. Three years that gave an end result of a person who weren't even close to the person pre- those three years. Three years full of stress, but satisfaction and an effort worthwhile. Three years with the feeling of working towards a dream for the very first time. Three years.
I can't believe I've survived them. I can't believe they're over. I can't even believe my whole school life's over already and I'd reply to the "What year are you in?" question, with a college year answer.
It's one of those times when one could never be sure how to feel. Excitement? Yes, it's obviously a new phase that I know very little about, and there's a lot to enjoy. But there's still fear. Fear of not being accepted? Or fear of not fitting in? No, that shouldn't even exist for I've passed through a lot where I've regretted not being myself in. I don't want to lose another part of myself, if one still exists. I know I'm still not sure about who I am, but I don't want to lose the chance of finding out. I think I just fear the idea of growing up. Taking the responsibility of my own decisions. Knowing what I want to do with my life. Facing real life.
I currently don't feel bad about anything I've lost on my journey to where I am. Not people, not chances, not anything. I think I'm done longing. I think I'm satisfied, cuz all that perfectly made me who I am.
I think I'm going to enjoy the next phase of my life, I just hope I don't get shocked with too many realities on the way.
For now though, I'm going to enjoy those two months to the max. They're the last I've got before college life. Before the life I don't know anything about. I just need to make sure not to get too excited, or too scared. Everything will just come when it's time for it to.
Thank you college thought for popping out, I hope the rest could follow, sometime soon.
I've been having all kinds of thoughts during the most stressful time of my year, exams. Now they're over, and it's like someone switched off everything inside. It's quiet in there, yet I feel crowded. It's like there's a room inside where thoughts travel to whenever they need to be thought of, yet they're all standing at the edge of the door, not sure if they really want to enter. The room's empty, all thoughts are waiting for somebody among them to enter first, but no one has the courage to. Is it that their previous experiences with me made it a scary room? Do I do thinking wrong? I don't know what they're up to.
Oh wait, there's a thought. I'm not sure if it was forced inside or if it has entered on its own.
College. That's what I can feel inside right now. College, in.. two.. months? 60 days? When did that even happen? How did the years pass by that fast?
I still remember my primary days, the innocence, the childishness, the pureness. We were kids. I think we were the last kids could be. Kids nowadays aren't kids. Primary days were probably the only days I weren't longing for a previous life in. It was the only life I knew of. And it was the most part that I remember I was absolutely myself in. I still remember the very tiny, beautiful details.
Then a new stage, prep. New school, very different people, and a part of myself that was lost in trying to please them. Little did I know.
And shortly, another very different stage, in a totally different country. Still losing a new part of myself for new people.
Returning back home, it was the first time I've experienced missing people whom I'll never be allowed to see again. Cuz, distance. The most painful way to miss people. What's worse is looking back at it all now and realizing that distance does end friendships, and break millions of promises.
I kept on longing for those two parts of my life, primary and traveling, that I didn't have the time to enjoy another part of my life. It wasn't until the very end of prep stage that I realized I was really going to miss it. The green days. The last myself that I ever were.
The summer of that part was the most remarkable. Getting to know 40 new girls who've helped shape so many things in my personality, and again departing, but luckily not for distance. Moreover, the beginning of our spontaneous trips with more people who became a really huge part of my life, until I realized people change, for the weirdest reasons. I didn't know back then, that this summer would be such a great part of my longings.
Blue days came by very fast. Three stressful, long years of my life, yet the quickest ever. Three years, with a totally different me through each year, that I've lost the true me along. Three years, with death departures, life-changing decisions, and totally different close friends each year. Three years that gave an end result of a person who weren't even close to the person pre- those three years. Three years full of stress, but satisfaction and an effort worthwhile. Three years with the feeling of working towards a dream for the very first time. Three years.
I can't believe I've survived them. I can't believe they're over. I can't even believe my whole school life's over already and I'd reply to the "What year are you in?" question, with a college year answer.
It's one of those times when one could never be sure how to feel. Excitement? Yes, it's obviously a new phase that I know very little about, and there's a lot to enjoy. But there's still fear. Fear of not being accepted? Or fear of not fitting in? No, that shouldn't even exist for I've passed through a lot where I've regretted not being myself in. I don't want to lose another part of myself, if one still exists. I know I'm still not sure about who I am, but I don't want to lose the chance of finding out. I think I just fear the idea of growing up. Taking the responsibility of my own decisions. Knowing what I want to do with my life. Facing real life.
I currently don't feel bad about anything I've lost on my journey to where I am. Not people, not chances, not anything. I think I'm done longing. I think I'm satisfied, cuz all that perfectly made me who I am.
I think I'm going to enjoy the next phase of my life, I just hope I don't get shocked with too many realities on the way.
For now though, I'm going to enjoy those two months to the max. They're the last I've got before college life. Before the life I don't know anything about. I just need to make sure not to get too excited, or too scared. Everything will just come when it's time for it to.
Thank you college thought for popping out, I hope the rest could follow, sometime soon.
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