I like to call times like these "inner-cleaning", for I experience so many changes within. Today, was the beginning of a religious activity that I've been going to last year and totally enjoyed. I felt so many inner changes at that time but my awful human nature needs continuous reminders, so the effect of that week, sadly, vanished shortly. That's why I've decided this year to write, right after coming back from the activity everyday. Human beings tend to forget, that's why a written record would be of great help later, not to mention that writing has always been my cure for everything. So here starts my medication session!
The day normally starts at 10.00 am but I had previously set a date for my driving lesson at 11.00 so mom offered to drive me there after I'm done. I arrived there at around 12.30 with very few familiar faces at the door. I remember that what made me enjoy it the most last year, was the company, and the amazing people I've met there. So, I was expecting so many familiar faces but there were a lot of new ones. I said hi to everyone I knew, and I was awkward I know. Today's awkward moments were a lot but anyway, I saw two of my close friends and we chatted for a while. It felt weird, cuz you know, I had a totally different meeting scenario in mind. I thought they were all going to be people I know and I'd feel so welcomed just like they always were, but it wasn't even close to how I imagined it. It was weird, not disappointing though.
Shortly, we were all called upstairs, after praying. The moment I entered the room, I felt so many memories coming back. I was sure from inside that the person who was entering the room at that moment, was totally different from the person who was there just a year ago. Everything was different. Not about the room, about me. The friends who brought me there last year meant everything to me back then. The way I looked at life in general, was different. I was wondering if I came back next year, who would I really be? It was just for a few seconds, then I got caught up with people.
Oh, let me tell you about something. On last year's Eid day, I met some of the girls I've known there, during the Eid prayer. Among them was a girl whom I had known a long, long time ago, from that same activity, but when we were little kids. I remembered her, but I knew she didn't. I felt sad for sometime back then but forgot about it later. She wasn't a close friend or anything, she was just a part of my life that I knew I was probably the only one who remembered it. That's what you get for having a good memory. It's a blessing I know, but can make one feel really bad at times. Anyway, so, I saw this girl today when I entered the room. I kept staring at her, cuz she brought back memories as well. It was her same voice, a lot of her expressions, but I knew she'd never recognize me.
A lady then came in for a lecture. She first asked the girls who were still in school to raise their hands, and you guys, I unconsciously raised mine! I was serious, not trying to be funny or anything. I thought I was still in school, college obviously still isn't welcomed. Anyway, we started an explanation session of Surat Al-Tawba. We learnt that it could be called "Baraa'a", "Al-Fadeha", and "Al-Kashefa" as well. It was from the very last chapters that was sent to the Prophet, and doesn't start with the normal "Besm Ellah Al-Rahman Al-Raheem", that all chapters of the Qur'an start with. That omission was explained by scientists and researches as in that the name of God signifies peace and mercy, while the first verse starts with "Baraa'a" which signifies grumpiness and the total opposite of safety and peacefulness, so they can't come after each other. It was also said that that's because it's complementary to the previous chapter.
What I remember mostly from the explanation was that Muslims were working on spreading Islam, and so they gave the non-Muslims two choices, either converting to Islam, or leaving Madinah in 40 days or they'd be killed. So they either perform "Tawba", or lose their residence. God kept on saying that he'd accept Tawba from any of the non-believers, even the unmannerly ones. That's a reminder for Muslims that even though non-Muslims might be doing so many undesirable actions, God will still accept their Tawba. So Muslims should never despair, God is merciful.
He also made it clear that there are so many permissible actions that He accepts in general, but never would if any of them stopped Muslims from their Jihad. Examples are parents, children, siblings, money, commerce and many other things. Normally, there's nothing wrong with any of those, but if they were ever a reason for not going for Jihad, then it's not acceptable. This pretty much describes how it should be now. The blessings we were offered will always be normal, except if they get in the way between God and his slave, not just Jihad. If internet, for example, spoils our prayers' times, our Khosou', or anything similar, then it's definitely not accepted.
Moreover, the verses describes how Muslims were impressed by their number during one of the battles, forgetting it was actually all about God's help and not anything that has to do with them. This needs Tawba as well, and God will accept it for He's forgiving.
The lecturer said something beautiful during her conversation. She stated that the people whom God loves, continually get messages in their daily lives. Whenever they're about to get off the right track, God makes sure to send them harsh messages, to get back on track. Like for example, if you woke up one day feeling very energized and happy, then you met someone who talked to you in a very offensive way, which totally ruined your day. That's a message. You should stop and think, why did God send me this person at this time? Maybe it's cuz you said something similar to someone else earlier, ruining their day, too, so God just wanted to teach you a lesson. That's just a very tiny example. It's just that we should pay attention to the small messages, or any bad moments in our lives, for God always has a reason for those events. She gave an example for Mubarak and his helpers, they've gotten a really hard message after they've been lost in the benefits of their positions. They might not pay attention to it, but it might still lead to remembering that God is above all, and that they should really get back to Him. People who don't get such messages during their lives, should really worry. And devoted Muslims, should know that when they meet people who do not pay attention to their religion that much but still lead a very happy life, that means that they only lack the messages from God and that this happiness is just a fake, temporary one.
The session was really interesting and informative. After it was over, I felt I should really start looking into meanings of verses cuz the Qur'an is such a special Book that if correctly understood, will surely have glamorous effects on one's life. It's actually bad that we're considered Muslims and know very little about our own Book. I need to do something about that.
Meanwhile, a close friend of mine (one of the two I was chatting with earlier), was kind of mad at me. It was all because of the normal "you never ask" arguments and it was the second time I was able to refuse giving any explanations. I felt proud. I know she's a close friend, I love her so much, but my life wasn't stable for the last couple of weeks, and she knows about it all, yet she doesn't accept it. I detest talking on the phone, I hate the phrase "you never ask", but I've always been running after people who were mad at me for that, to make it up for them. But just not anymore. I know it sounds so mean, but the way I apologize for nothing but being myself, just makes me feel worse. So, these days I'm starting to practice doing what makes me feel comfortable, without apologizing, because it's stupid accepting everyone the way they are, but not getting it back the same way. Do I make sense? I mean most of my friends are sociable, talkative people, who like to stay in touch all the time, and I do accept that. I call them often, even though I hate it. I try as much as I can to stay in contact, but all what I get at the end are fights whenever I try getting some space. So, I decided I'm not going to apologize anymore for something that's actually out of my hands. That's just me, if you don't accept it, then I can't really do anything about it.
Back to the sessions, another lady came in looking very familiar. She turned out to be one of the lecturers who was there last year, and I was amazed that I did remember her though I never felt her inside my head before. I mean whenever I thought about last year's week, she never came to my mind like other lecturers, but when I saw her, I did remember her. My brain amazes me.
The session was more fun than the previous one. She interacted more with us and touched so many parts inside me. She started by discussing what "Sharee'a" means, why do we follow it and what we get from that. Then we started discussing Tawba, too. And ended it with identifying all our sins and classifying them into five main areas that they affect; our religion, our souls, our relationships with others, our money, and lastly, our brains.
We learnt the difference between "Ghayba" and "Nameema". Ghayba is mainly talking about the bad traits of people behind their backs. Nameema is just passing on stories, transferring information and such stuff. They are both huge sins and we seldom notice the presence of both in our daily lives, but they do exist. She was asked what should we do when we just feel like getting stuff off our chests by talking to our friends about events that happened with certain people that has affected us badly. She replied that the best way to get it off your chest is by talking it all to God. I smiled within. It's definitely the best way, and I've tried it before but I needed to do it more often. Considering God your best friend will save you so many troubles that human beings could cause, and will reduce the risk of "Ghayba" and "Nameema".
She divided us into five groups, each group working on a certain story together, and that was the highlight of my day. We were assigned Sayedna Dawood's story and were asked to identify his sin, what led to this sin, and how did he perform Tawba, all in twenty minutes. We were five girls and I secretly decided to leave them do all the work cuz I was too lazy to do anything. But it didn't go that way.
We decided to read the verses that described the story first. The words were kind of complicated but my friend was able to understand some parts and explained to us what she understood. We all suddenly realized how dumb we were and read them again to fully grasp it all. We were given charts to write what we'll present. One of the five girls took the initiative to start writing, for she had some artistic skills and good handwriting. I don't know why but I suddenly felt like I wanted this to be the best presentation ever. I grabbed the verses, read their explanation, and discussed with another girl how the three analysis we were asked for could be written. We suddenly made an amazing team; my friend explaining the first parts to us, one girl with artistic abilities, one girl with knowledge and writing abilities, and another girl and myself agreeing to present it together.
To sum it up, our analysis of the story was that two brothers went to Sayedna Dawood, asking for his justice. One brother had 99 goats and the other had just 1 goat. The one with the 99 goats wanted to take that 1 goat from his brother and went to Sayedna Dawood to ask for that. The sin was that Sayedna Dawood did not listen to both sides, and just depended on what he saw. He immediately told the one with the 99 goats that he's not allowed to take the goat, without asking for further details. When he realized his mistake, he quickly asked for forgiveness from God, fell on his knees praying, promised he won't do that again. That's a quick summary. The other girl and I distributed speaking roles among each other and acted it all together while waiting for the other groups to get done with their stories.
The twenty minutes were over shortly and everyone handed in their charts for presentation. We had a look on the other charts and felt bad cuz ours was the simplest of them all. It wasn't bad, no, but there were much better ones, so we kind of lost our confidence. I told the other girl to present alone cuz I wasn't ready to put myself in such an embarrassing situation, presenting the worst chart. My friend (who was preciously mad at me), kept laughing all the way since I agreed to present until that very moment and even after it. She thought I'd be too shy and won't be able to say anything.
The lecturer asked who would like to start, and the girl from our team raised her hands up high. I didn't move an inch until the girl with the artistic skills looked at me and kept pushing me with her words to go out there and present. I kept saying no, my friend kept laughing, and she kept insisting that I should go. Something pushed me from within and the next thing I knew was that I was out there presenting. Normally, when I speak in front of a large crowd like that, I'd feel the heat inside, and the blood reaching out to my cheeks. The most thing I hated about talking in public was how my face ALWAYS turned red. You won't believe that but for the very first time in my whooooole life, not one tiny thing from those happened. I was talking fluently, using the right words, looking through all their eyes, and making my points very clear and detailed. I didn't realize it at that time but when I went back to my seat and felt my face, it was normal. No heat, no blood flowing, nothing. I don't know how that happened but that was one of the best moments of my life.
We listened to the other groups presenting their stories and seriously, no one was good as we were. I'm not being arrogant or anything, but first of all, we were the only group with two girls presenting, so we were able to back each other up whenever one fell, and our confidence wasn't like any of them. Whenever any presenter was done, the lecturer would explain their story again with her own words, telling us what she exactly wanted us to learn, and we were the closest to her words. There were stories for Sayedna Soliman, Sayedna Moussa, Sayedna Adam, and Sayedna Younis. It was really informative as well.
One of the girls went back crying to her seat for she had messed up a few things during her presentation, and of course I felt very bad for her, but at the same time, deep down, I was very thankful for I knew that if I were in her place, and I totally messed it up, I'd never cry. I dunno how, but I just know it. Cuz people make mistakes, you know. So, besides doing great on our presentation, I deeply kept thanking God for giving me what others lacked, and I realized this was something I was always taking for granted. Alhamdulillah.
One of the happy things I've done today was that I was the first one to clap to the other groups whenever they were done, to remind others to clap along. I know that was something insignificant to many, but to me, when the lecturer asked them to clap for us after we were done, I was truly happy. I have a soul of a child within, who gets excited for the tiniest things ever. That's why I was happy clapping for others, it felt awesome giving them what I had truly enjoyed having. That part is one of my favourite parts in my life, since the team working, until presenting and clapping. I'm glad I've lived those moments.
Two last things I've learned from that lecture was that Satan constantly keeps telling Muslims that they've done so many sins that they shouldn't even think about asking God for anything, and that is so wrong. This personally happens with me, so I was glad to know it's not true. I feel ashamed a lot when I've done so many wrongs, that I don't feel okay asking God for more things. She said that as long as you've done Tawba and you truly feel bad about it and ask Him for forgiveness, you have all the right to ask for whatever you want, and that made me feel at ease. God is merciful once more, never doubt that. And the other thing that I've learnt is that when you're asking for forgiveness, it's very important to ask God Himself to help you and give you the strength not to make that same mistake once again. Not just feeling sorry and asking for forgiveness, but asking for help to do that. I loved knowing those two.
On our way back on the bus, I had conversations with different people. Among them was a 20-year-old girl who was in her fourth year in pharmacy. She seemed very decent and nice and since I've seen her in the morning, I wanted to get to know her. We talked a lot on our way but I was the most awkward person alive, I couldn't believe it was me. I just totally lost the ability to keep a conversation going and get to know new people and stuff. I was VERY awkward, you have no idea. She was very sociable and kept talking and asking questions but I couldn't do the same and was mostly humming whenever I found no reply, or just laughing my insincere laugh. It's not lack of self confidence, I'm sure. It's just lack of communication. Maybe I just wasn't ready to have a conversation. I have to work on this for the coming week, cuz that will be a horrible problem during college.
I think that's all what happened today. I can see that this blog is just slowly turning into my personal diary, but I still love that. I never want to stop writing, it seriously makes me feel so much better. A blessing I'm so thankful for.
I'll come back tomorrow with new information and adventures insha'Allah!
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