I needed a hug. I needed someone to be there and open their arms for me whenever I need a shoulder to cry on. I needed to feel safe between the arms of someone who wouldn't question my tears, who wouldn't ask for answers that I'm not ready to give. I needed someone to listen to my incomplete, distorted sentences that arise in between the gasps caused by my tears, and still understand every letter of them. I needed someone to comfort me with their words, tell me that it's all going to be okay even if it was the only thing they'd say every time I'm sad. I needed someone to stay with in the dark, in complete silence, because they'd know how much their presence would mean. I needed someone who'd make me feel comfortable crying around them.
I needed someone who'd unleash the issues and insecurities that keep piling up inside me only because they can't find the right person to be discussed with. I needed someone to talk with on the phone when I feel like talking. I needed someone who understands I don't like talking on the phone and text me instead. I needed someone to leave me alone whenever I felt I can't stand neither phones nor texts. I needed someone to understand my introversion, never criticize it, and never try to change anything about it. And I still needed someone to take me out everyday and travel the whole world with me. I needed someone who'd know all about my awkwardness around people and still doesn't make it sound bad. And I still needed someone to tell me I should start learning how to deal with people and stop being awkward around absolutely everyone.
I needed someone to know all about my insecurities yet never change the way they looked at me since the moment we became friends.
I needed someone to point out the defects in me, and help me change them. I needed someone to see the good in me and always point it out without making an arrogant person out of me.
I needed someone to discuss my fears with and ask for their opinion whenever I'm confused, because I'd know they always knew better. I needed someone to help me take decisions and never regret them. I needed someone to tell me what to do whenever I didn't know what to do.
I was looking for a perfect human being, and I wanted them to be mine.
But things just shortly changed..
Things shortly changed after that one night I spent crying in the dark, all by myself, for no reason. In the midst of all my tears, I looked up and found what I was looking for..
I found Him. I found God.
I found Him spending the night with me -when no one else was there-, hearing all my distorted sentences, never leaving the room until I was in deep sleep, and not even leaving then.
I found comfort in Him. I found it easy to discuss my insecurities with Him, without fearing He'd think any less of me, because He's the only one who knew and understood them anyway, whether I pointed them out or not. He didn't push me to talk, and only waited for what I wanted to let out. He listened to me and understood. He even heard my inner thoughts, without wanting me to talk about them out loud. He listened and listened, and when I felt I needed to hear His reply to all what I've said, I opened His Book on a random page, read what my eyes fell on, and immediately felt at peace.
His Book, I realized, could point out all the defects in me and help me change them if I wanted. His Book still pointed out and encouraged me to do all what I was doing well, reminding me that it's always Him who'll help me continue them, so that I'd never get a false sense of achievement and forget it was all thanks to Him. His words only needed someone to open their ears to, and they'd make their way right into their hearts, when they knew the ears truly wanted to listen.
I realized that all what I've always needed, all what I've been looking for in a single person wishing so bad to find them one day, was already all present in Him.
His hug is like no other hug. He hugs me during Sojoud. He allows me to cry on His shoulder down there. He never hugs too hard if I don't feel like wanting to be hugged, but is always there whenever I ask for it. He gives me silent hugs, and He gives me attentively-listening hugs.
He allows me to talk to Him whenever I feel like it, and He has allowed me to write Him a couple of letters before when I felt I wanted to write instead.
He was always there, sending me signs to where I should go whenever I was confused. Offering me Istekhara whenever I wanted His opinion on something, because He knows what I'll never be able to know what He knows, and can perfectly guide me on anything.
He sends me blessings. He throws them my way in the form of people, each of them having a thing of what I need, leaving some of my needs to be fulfilled only by Him, for if we found perfection in His creation, we'll be too occupied and never experience His own perfection that not a single human being can attain.
He has the answers to so many of our needs, He only wants to hear us ask. He loves us, even if it sometimes feels like He's giving us a silent treatment; it'd just be that He's waiting for us to truly turn back to Him. He might sometimes seem harsh, but it'd always turn out that He wants to teach us a certain something from the toughness He put us through. His kindness can never even be compared to anything once He hears the sincerity in our voices, and senses the trust in our hearts. He tests us, often very hard tests, only to strengthen us. He allows us to do anything we choose, but will always be there if we needed him, saving the enjoyment of His closeness to those who truly deserve it.
I needed someone who'd unleash the issues and insecurities that keep piling up inside me only because they can't find the right person to be discussed with. I needed someone to talk with on the phone when I feel like talking. I needed someone who understands I don't like talking on the phone and text me instead. I needed someone to leave me alone whenever I felt I can't stand neither phones nor texts. I needed someone to understand my introversion, never criticize it, and never try to change anything about it. And I still needed someone to take me out everyday and travel the whole world with me. I needed someone who'd know all about my awkwardness around people and still doesn't make it sound bad. And I still needed someone to tell me I should start learning how to deal with people and stop being awkward around absolutely everyone.
I needed someone to know all about my insecurities yet never change the way they looked at me since the moment we became friends.
I needed someone to point out the defects in me, and help me change them. I needed someone to see the good in me and always point it out without making an arrogant person out of me.
I needed someone to discuss my fears with and ask for their opinion whenever I'm confused, because I'd know they always knew better. I needed someone to help me take decisions and never regret them. I needed someone to tell me what to do whenever I didn't know what to do.
I was looking for a perfect human being, and I wanted them to be mine.
But things just shortly changed..
Things shortly changed after that one night I spent crying in the dark, all by myself, for no reason. In the midst of all my tears, I looked up and found what I was looking for..
I found Him. I found God.
I found Him spending the night with me -when no one else was there-, hearing all my distorted sentences, never leaving the room until I was in deep sleep, and not even leaving then.
I found comfort in Him. I found it easy to discuss my insecurities with Him, without fearing He'd think any less of me, because He's the only one who knew and understood them anyway, whether I pointed them out or not. He didn't push me to talk, and only waited for what I wanted to let out. He listened to me and understood. He even heard my inner thoughts, without wanting me to talk about them out loud. He listened and listened, and when I felt I needed to hear His reply to all what I've said, I opened His Book on a random page, read what my eyes fell on, and immediately felt at peace.
His Book, I realized, could point out all the defects in me and help me change them if I wanted. His Book still pointed out and encouraged me to do all what I was doing well, reminding me that it's always Him who'll help me continue them, so that I'd never get a false sense of achievement and forget it was all thanks to Him. His words only needed someone to open their ears to, and they'd make their way right into their hearts, when they knew the ears truly wanted to listen.
I realized that all what I've always needed, all what I've been looking for in a single person wishing so bad to find them one day, was already all present in Him.
His hug is like no other hug. He hugs me during Sojoud. He allows me to cry on His shoulder down there. He never hugs too hard if I don't feel like wanting to be hugged, but is always there whenever I ask for it. He gives me silent hugs, and He gives me attentively-listening hugs.
He allows me to talk to Him whenever I feel like it, and He has allowed me to write Him a couple of letters before when I felt I wanted to write instead.
He was always there, sending me signs to where I should go whenever I was confused. Offering me Istekhara whenever I wanted His opinion on something, because He knows what I'll never be able to know what He knows, and can perfectly guide me on anything.
He sends me blessings. He throws them my way in the form of people, each of them having a thing of what I need, leaving some of my needs to be fulfilled only by Him, for if we found perfection in His creation, we'll be too occupied and never experience His own perfection that not a single human being can attain.
He has the answers to so many of our needs, He only wants to hear us ask. He loves us, even if it sometimes feels like He's giving us a silent treatment; it'd just be that He's waiting for us to truly turn back to Him. He might sometimes seem harsh, but it'd always turn out that He wants to teach us a certain something from the toughness He put us through. His kindness can never even be compared to anything once He hears the sincerity in our voices, and senses the trust in our hearts. He tests us, often very hard tests, only to strengthen us. He allows us to do anything we choose, but will always be there if we needed him, saving the enjoyment of His closeness to those who truly deserve it.
He is all what I need, all what everyone would probably need. I don't understand why we spend lifetimes making homes out of people and finding comfort in them, when we have Him. The one who'll never, ever leave.
I feel thankful for finding Him every time I turn to Him, even if it has been years since we've last spoken. I feel blessed to have Him as my God, always keeping an eye for me, and never leaving my side.
ربنا يخليك ليا يارب :) الحمد لله على نعمة وجودك
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