Random Blabbering

I'm not entirely sure why I'm starting this, but I've been having some flowing thoughts for quite a few days, and I've suddenly had the urge to write and let them all out, now. I've promised myself before that whenever I get such a feeling, I'm going to leave whatever it is that I'd be doing, and grab anything to write in and with. It's actually frustrating how too many thoughts are lost because we either delay writing them until they unawarely evaporate through our heads and shortly get replaced by new, once-again-ignored ones, or as time passes, we start thinking that some thoughts are unworthy of being written down. There's just no such a thing. It should actually be a crime to strangle thoughts inside, and not let them out; through spoken words, written ones, or even tears. Just because our head doesn't physically explode, it doesn't mean we should take for granted its ability to store in some thoughts.

Anyway. This is probably going to be very random, because the thoughts inside have nothing in common except that they all strive to be let out, and so I'm happily granting them their wish. One thought at a time, totally pointless, but somehow still comforting.

So, I've luckily had the opportunity to spend some time alone lately, all by myself, and it has been truly relieving. But with a mind like mine –which I have discovered lately can't be around people without observing and absorbing in their every detail, storing them inside, and always comparing the new details with the old ones– it couldn't not continue doing that. I have no idea if the details thing only works with people or if my mind does observe the details of everything around –I'm yet to find out about that–, but I've observed how it observes people's details, and it actually impressed me. So, being alone, the only person it was allowed to observe closely was; myself. The only difference this time is that I was aware of it observing me, so I decided to join in and observe along.

I've observed myself while reading. Particularly reading an e-book. I have noticed how comforting reading in the dark has made me feel, with only the laptop's screen lighting the words for me to read. I don't exactly know why I liked that, but reading with the lights on just feels like I'm not really having my space with the book. Like someone's invading our own personal space, someone is watching over us. In the dark though, it's just me and the book. We can do whatever it is that we'd want, because it's just us. The same way it differs being with my best friend around people, and being with her on the phone or within our own WhatsApp conversation. It's not the same, it cannot be accurately described in words, exactly like how it's difficult to describe being with a book with no lights on. Lights just feel like invaders.

Besides the dark, I had a word document opened aside, to write in any thoughts that would occur to me while reading, and to copy out my favorite lines that I'd want to reread later. But with the lights off, I didn't clearly get to see the keyboard and the letters I wanted to type. Typing has thankfully never been an obstacle to me. When lights are on, I don't give much attention to the keyboard, my eyes might only throw a few glimpses on the letters as I'm typing, but my mind would be really consumed with what I'm writing, not how I'm writing it. Through the dark, it changed. My mind knew it was being forced not to see the keys on purpose, and it panicked. I have never been that slow while typing as I had been while I took notes through this book. It annoyed me because it wasn't usually a problem, but because my mind was forced to think about it, it deliberately started screwing up on something that it was already good with. And this is exactly what happens to me through everything with life. Whenever I concentrate on something in an attempt to get the best out of it, I screw it up. Whenever someone tells me I'm good with a certain thing, I become aware of that fact, and start making a mess out of something that I have already been told I was good with. Only because I was told that.

It frustrated me. I kept trying to concentrate on the words I'm typing, rather than the letters that I was looking for through the dark, but I was excessively using the backspace key. I tried typing really fast, not allowing my mind the opportunity to actually think. It would work for a few seconds but then my mind would concentrate and blow it all up again. I finally decided I'd just talk my mind into agreeing that whatever mistake I was going to do, I wouldn't use the backspace key for it until I was done with the whole thing, and only then can I go back and correct all my mistakes. It worked! It magically did. Because then, I wasn't really concentrating on not typing the wrong letters. I knew I wouldn't go back to it anyway unless I let the words I initially wanted to write out. My typos started decreasing as I concentrated more on the content. And every time I'd get done with something, I'd go back and correct any typos, and it went well. I realized then that this was exactly what stopped me in life from doing the things I was told I'm good in, because for some reason my mind believed that being good with something implied getting it done with absolutely no mistakes. I don't give myself enough room to make mistakes. I'm always concentrating on how I'm doing what I'm doing and not what or why. I didn't realize that typing in the wrong letter might eventually direct me to another letter that I would later need to find, I only concentrated on it being the wrong one.

I've realized this, and I'm not sure how I'm going to change this about myself, but I can tell that it might have changed something inside, and that after this, things are definitely never going to be the same again.

Moving on..

Fictional Characters.

Fictional characters, a huge problem I always face. I'm more into novels and stories, and so I come across a great number of fictional characters with every book, only that I refuse to believe they're fictional. The books I've been reading lately were full of deaths, especially the death of fathers (which by the way scares me to death every time I think about it happening to my life; I can't bare the idea of having to lose my dad one day..), and I've realized how losing those characters affects me the same way losing real life people does, if not more. I keep thinking about them even after the book is over, wondering if their spirits hover around me like what I like to believe about real life people who die. I keep rereading parts of books when they were still there. The idea of their death always aches inside.

This all made me think of something. Why is that we fall in love with fictional characters that easily? Fictional characters are still people. We get really involved in their lives through books, especially those who are the narrators, and get to clearly talk about their own feelings and thoughts. It's because we get that close. It's because we get to see the true parts of themselves that we even fall in love with their imperfections. There's this quote I've always loved, it goes like, "I fall in love with people and their honest moments all the time. Honesty is just too beautiful to ever put into words". It's very true, applying it to people in books. They get to be honest. However, it still occurs to me that we might love them only because they choose the sides of themselves that they'd want us to know about. Maybe we don't get to see the whole picture; we only get to see what they want us to see. Or maybe, because we don't actually see them. People's inner details are usually way more beautiful than their physical appearances. Or maybe, because we don't get involved in their lives; we have the opportunity to observe from afar. We get to love them for who they really are, not for how much they give us, or for how it feels doing cute surprises for them, or for how they listen to us, or how they make us feel. None of that. We never actually get to observe someone's life in real life without somehow getting involved in it. Expecting things, feeling things. Fictional characters rarely disappoint us. Maybe it's writers who sometimes do, but rarely the characters themselves.

I don't know. I failed to understand why I personally get attached to fictional characters that much. Maybe they're all the previous reasons combined, but I still find it beautiful that I can fall in love with someone I've never even seen, or interacted with. Beautiful.

One more thing that makes reading enjoyable to me is, I always get to learn new words. I've previously always made sure to write down the new words I'd learn through a book, but I've recently discovered that new words can make their way inside on their own. I notice this every time I write; new words always come out as I write, some accompanied by memories of their places in certain books, and others popping out of nowhere, reminding me of nothing but my mind's awesome ability to absorb new words without me noticing. It's truly one of my favorite moments, when I come up with a word that I've never heard about, only to discover I've read it somewhere. It makes me smile knowing that I'd never run out of words as long as I read.

Now, Writing. I've noticed myself as I write as well. I've seen a difference between what I write for myself, knowing no one would read, and what I write to be published somewhere. And this greatly increased my love towards writing stuff that no one would get to see, because it actually brings pieces of me together.

Sometimes, I'd try to write my thoughts somewhere and someone would oppose my point of view on something, and it annoys me. That's not because I'm someone who insists on holding on to their own beliefs, but actually, it's because I'm a flexible thinker, that it takes too little effort to change my thoughts about something. Writing to myself enhances this, I've noticed. It makes me definite about my thoughts, my ideas, and my beliefs, that it's starting not to be very easy to change my view about something unless it's logical. Writing to one's self does miracles, I believe.

Besides reading and writing, I still tend to fall in love with the side of me that comes out the minute my room's door is shut. I feel comfortable around me.

I love the way I smile at myself. The way I laugh at my inside jokes. Particularly the way I let out weird laughs. The way I blankly stare into space without someone pointing out how weird I look. The way I stare at the mirror. The way I crawl up inside my bed, hide under my covers, holding on tight to my pillow, for absolutely no reason. The way I talk to my belongings and have them mentally answer back. The way I notice I've acquired some close friends' personal qualities.

I've been asked several times what is it that I often do in my room alone. I think I have an answer now.

I be me.

I've truly noticed so much about myself by just being on my own for sometime. I keep discovering new things about me, and it makes me happy. It makes me connect my own dots. It's a blessing I so much want to keep holding on to.

إكتشافات كوسوية

مش عارفة أبدأ منين، بس في حاجة بقالها يومين شغلة تفكيري جامد ومُحتلة دماغي، ولحسن حظي إن عندي الكتابة أطلع فيها كل حاجة.

نبدأ الموضوع من الأول. أنا طالبة في سنة أولى في كلية حقوق عين شمس. أُعتَبَر دلوقتي مابقتش في سنة أولى خلاص بس خلينا نعتبرها كده عشان أنا نفسيتي لسه مش متظبطة مع حوار تانية جامعة ده، فبغض النظر. الكلية دي أنا روحتها عشان أحضر فيها محضرات كام مرة كده يتعدوا على الصوابع، بس الدروس في الأخر بتظبطلي كل حاجة وباعدّي، الحمد لله. لكني الحقيقة من ساعة ما دخلتها وأنا باشوف فيها كمية "كوسة" بتحصل وباسمع عن قصص مش طبيعية بتثبتلي فشل نظام التعليم المصري أكتر يوم بعد يوم. الحكاوي دي بتختلف عن بعض، بدءاً من منطق "الناس دي دافعة فلوس فلازم تنجح"، ومروراً بـ"الطلاب السنة دي ضايعيين خالص، ظبطوهم بقى في الإمتحانات وبعدها"، وما أكتر الحكاوي في المواضيع اللي زي دي.

أولاً الكلية إنجليزي مش عربي، فمن الطبيعي إنه من إسمها، الناس اللي يدخُلوها يكونوا فاهمين إنجليزي. وهنا أنا فعلاً مش قصدي أبقى باعيِّب على أي حد، لكن منطقي إنه ماينفعش يبقى معمول قسم إنجليزي في كلية ومازال بيدخُلها أي حد لمجرد إن معاه فلوس. فبالتالي اللي يحصل لو بدأ يزيد عدد الناس اللي ضعيفة في الإنجليزي، إن المناهج تبدأ تخف ويبدأوا الداكترة يتغاضوا عن حاجات كتير مش مفروض في العادي يفوتوها، لمجرد إنهم عارفين إن مستوى الطلبة كده فماينفعش يضغطوا عليهم أكتر من مستوى معين. وهنا بالضبط بتبدأ المشكلة؛ الكلية والدكاترة هما اللي بيبدأوا يقدموا تنازُلات ويتكيفوا مع وضع الطالب بدل ما (المفروض) الطالب هو اللي يحاول يتكيف مع وضع الكلية ويبدأ يطور من نفسه هو عشان يقدر يوصل للمستوى اللي الكلية عايزاه. لكن إزاي؟ الكلية بقت تشوف الطالب ضعيف في إيه وبدل ما تساعده، تقوم شايلة مسؤوليتها من عليه. طب إتعلم هو إيه كده طول ما مش بتقابله عواقب؟ أنا برضه مش قصدي إن الإنجليزي بقى ضايع خالص، هو مازال في فرق بين حقوق إنجلش وحقوق عربي وكل حاجة، بس لو كان فيه تركيز على نقطة الإنجلش أكتر شوية بس، الكلية كانت هاتبقى مختلفة. أنا سمعت كمان حاجة زي إن كل ما هنكبر في السنين، المواد الإنجليزي اللي عندنا هتبدأ تقل مع الوقت ويتحط مكانها مواد عربي، وده طبعاً عشان يخفف الضغط من على الطالب. طب وكده أبقى أنا دخلت حقوق إنجلش ليه بقى؟ يعني بقيت باحس إن الكليات الإنجلش دي أصبحت بتدِخِل بس عشان "prestige" مش أكتر. عشان لما تقول لحد "أنا في حقوق، بس إنجلش على فكرة!"، هو بقى ينبهر، بغض النظر عن إنت بتعرف تتكلم إنجلش أساساً والَّا لأ. يعني حتى الدكاترة اللي بيدرسولنا مش من أولويات إختيارهم الإنجلش ده خالص. طب دي كوسة والَّا مش كوسة؟

تاني حاجة مبدأ إن طالما الناس دافعة فلوس يبقى لازم ننجحهم، عشان حتى نبقى بنسترزق منهم. ماهو أصل لو طلع على الكلية سُمعة إن مفيش ناس كتير فيها بتنجح، الناس هتبطل تدخُلها والكلية مش هتعرف تصرِف على نفسها، فهتقفل وهنخسر. هل ده معناه إننا بنشتري النجاح بفلوسنا يعني؟ يعني أنا في الأخر هاطلع بشهادة عشان دفعت فلوس؟ مش أنا كبسمة يعني، أنا كطالب؟ أنا في الموضوع ده سمعت حكاوي كتير. من ناحية الدكاترة مثلاً، المناهج ما شاء الله بيتلغي منها حاجات قد كده، عشان مستوى الطلبة طبعاً بيبقى متشاف ومعروف إنهم مش هينفع معاهم أكتر من كده. طب وهي المناهج دي في الأصل مش محطوطة لسبب؟ يعني إنت كده لما لغيتها، أنا كان فيه حاجة مفروض أتعلمها ماتعلمتهاش. طب فأنا المفروض أتخرج بمعلومات في مهنتي مش معايا وأشتغل عادي؟ مش قادرة أفهم. ماهو لو هنخلي الكلية بالمنظر ده يبقى ماينفعش تخلّي خريجين الكلية دي يشتغلوا في مناصب مهمة في البلد بعد كده، خليها كلية ثقافة كده وخلاص، الطلبة تيجي تتثقف وتمشي، مش تمسك مناصب وشُغلانات بنُص معلومات.

أما بقى عن الإمتحانات نفسها، فأنا قبل كل إمتحان كان لازم أسمع جملة "ماتقلقوش يا جماعة، الإمتحان هيجي في مستوي الطالب اللي بيزحف"، على أساس إن دي حاجة مفروض تبسِط وكده. طب بغض النظر عن إن الموضوع ده ممكن يفيد ناس كتير، مش فيه ناس برضه داخلة الجامعة دي عشان حباها وبتذاكر وبتحضر محضرات من أول السنة؟ إيه ذنبهم بقى إن تقييمهُم في الأخر يبقى زي تقييم "الطالب اللي "بيزحف" ده؟ هو أه ربنا مش هيضيع تعبهم أكيد ودي حاجة بينهم وبينه وكل حاجة، بس ده في المُطلق مش عدل. خالص. دي حاجة تخلّي أي طالب متفوق أصلاً يبقى مش حابب يبذل مجهود زي ما هو متعوِد، عشان كده كده مش هيفرق عن غيره اللي مابيفتحوش كتاب طول السنة. فبالتالي إحنا مش بس بندمر الطلبة اللي مستواها مش عالي، لأ ده كمان بنضُر المتفوقين اللي المفروض همَ أمل البلد دي والكلام ده. ده كمان في أول ترم ليا كان فيه في مُعظم المواد أسئلة مسمينها "Cadeau Questions"، بيبقى الطالب داخل عارف إن السؤال ده جاي فبيصُمه ويدخل يرزعه في الإمتحان، وطبعاً يتمسح من دماغه أول ما يُخرج. إيه الـ"كادو" بقى في كده؟ ده في حالة لو إن الدكتور أصلاً ماكنش هو نفسه محدد للطلبة أسئلة الإمتحان كُلها. بتحصل بجد.

عرفت كمان إن الكلية بيبقى عندها نظام معين كده، إنه السنة دي مثلاً لازم ٧٠٪ من الطلاب ينجحوا، فنتشقلب بقى عشان نحقق النسبة دي. وهنا نتشقلب مش معناها نحاول نقوي الطلبة ونوفرلُهم طرق تساعِدهُم وتزوِد نسبة النجاح وكده، لأ خالص. أُمال الكوسة راحت فين؟ اللي سمعته إن بعد الإمتحانات ما بتتصلح، الكنترول بيشوف نسبة النجاح الحالية، لو أقل من الهدف، بيبدأ يزود درجات للدفعة كلها. يبدأ بدرجة، ها وصلنا للهدف؟ لأ لسه. يبقى نزود درجة كمان. وهكذا. يعني فيه ناس فعلاً تبقى لا تستحق النجاح ولكن بينجحوا بطريقة زي دي. وده اللي فعلاً بيبقى مش عدل. أنا أول مرة أشوف كوسة كده. دي الكلية بتهتم بنجاح الطلبة أكتر ما الطلبة نفسُهم مهتمين.

بغض النظر عن كل ده، عشان الحكاوي فعلاً مش هتخلص، بس مش دي مُشكلتي خالص بقى. ومش هو ده اللي تَعِبني بقالي يومين. أنا كنت دايماً مُقتنعة إن كل الكلام ده ممكن يتغير من فوق، من المناصب نفسها. مدير الجامعة والعميد والكلام ده كله، لو هُمَ إتحطوا من الأول صح وشقلبوا نظام الجامعة، بمساعدة الوزارة كمان وكده، ففي حاجات قد كده ممكن تتغيَّر. وعشان كده دايماً كان نفسي أوصل لمنصب عشان أقدر أعمل تغيير بجد. بس إكتشفت إن الموضوع مش بيتبصله كده، لما حصلّي موقف مُعين.

الموضوع بدأ بعد ما خلصت إمتحناتي السنة دي، إكتشفنا كُلنا إن فيه مادة إسمها "حقوق الإنسان" مقررة علينا، ولازم نمتحنها في الأجازة. والموضوع مش صعب خالص يعني، ده المقرر نفسه عالنت، ومسموحلنا ناخد الإمتحان أون لاين في أي وقت في خلال ١٠ أيام، وكل طالب له ٤ محاولات. والمادة نفسها مش داخلة في المجموع لكنها نجاح وسقوط، فلازم ننجح. على قد ما أنا كُنت مستغربة الموضوع، على قد ما حسيت بشوية سعادة إن الجامعة بدأت تعاملنا كبني أدمين وتعودنا نستعمل النت في الدراسة وبتحاول تطور من نفسها أهو وبتاع. وكنت مُتحمسة للموضوع لحد ما في يوم كده كنت باشوف حاجة على جروب من بتوع الجامعة على الفيسبوك ولقيت حوار داير ما بين إتنين مُلخصُه إن الأول بيسأل التاني هل إحنا كلنا عندنا نفس الأسئلة والَّا مُختلفة، والتاني بيرُد يقوله إن كلُه زي بعض وإن هو أول ما يمتحن هينزل الإجابات على الجروب عشان كله يدخُل يعمل copy-paste. أنا إتضيقت شوية بعد ما قريت الكلام ده عشان حسيت إن الناس بقت بتستسهل كل حاجة. يعني أصلاً المُقرر عالنت ممكن يتفتح وإنت بتاخُد الإمتحان، غير إنهم أسئلة إختياري قُليلة، بجانب موضوع الـ٤ محاولات ده، يعني الموضوع مش مستاهل أصلاً. لكن الصراحة زعلي كان زي أي زعل حسيته بعد ما كنت بارجع من الإمتحانات كل يوم، لأن الغش اللي بيحصل في اللجان ده كان حاجة بَشِعة. المراقبين نفسهم أصلاً مُعظمهُم مش فارق معاهم وسايبين الطلبة يعملوا اللي همَ عايزينه، ورؤساء اللجان بس بيعدّوا كده كل شوية يعملوا نفسهُم بيزعقوا ويمشوا، مع إن همَ فعلاً لو متعصبين قوي كده كانوا عرفوا يطلعوا بطرق تقلل الموضوع ده، بس محدش أصلاً فَرِقله. بغض النظر يعني، مش ده موضوعنا. الغش ده ممكن يتكتبله موضوع بحاله. المهم، أنا شُفت الحوار ده وإتضيقت بس نسيت الموضوع، لحد ما شُفت يومها بالليل post تاني على جروب مُختلف والمرة دي كان "مُعيد" هو اللي كتبه. والـpost بإختصار برضه كان مضمونه إنه كان بيقترح على الناس يحددوا ميعاد كلُهم يدخلوا فيه يفتحوا الإمتحان وأي حد يلاقي سؤال مش عارفه، يكتبه على الجروب والإجابة هتتكتبله. أنا الموضوع مكنش هيأثر فيَّ قوي كده لولا إنه "مُعيد" فعلاً هو اللي كاتب الكلام ده! لأ ومش أي مُعيد كمان، ده واحد كان دايماً بيقولنا إنه ماكانش بيغش وقت ما كان طالب وإنه لازم تبطلوا تغشوا ومش عارف إيه وإتكلم في الموضوع كذا مرة يعني ومفروض اللي فهمته إنه ضد موضوع الغش. طب وهو ده بيتسمى إيه بقى؟ شاي بلبن؟

الموضوع فضِل مضايقني وماكُنتش عارفة أعمل إيه لحد ما حكيت لأُختي وهي إقترحت عليَّ إني طالما دي حاجة أنا مؤمنة بيها يبقى لازم أدخُل أقول حاجة. أنا كنت مترددة شوية الحقيقة لأن دول ناس مش كلُهم أعرفهُم وأنا واحدة وهمَ كتير. بس في الأخر أُختي شجعتني ودخَلْت كتبْت كده:

["اللى مش عارف سؤال هيكتبوا ونديلو الاجابة" ؟؟

إيه ده، هو الإمتحان ده الجامعة سمحة لنا نحلوه جماعي؟..]

وطبعاً مفيش والَّا بني أدم رد عليَّ لأن كل الـcomments اللي إتكتبت قبلي كانوا موافقين جداً على كلام المُعيد ومحدش فاهم مين الـweirdo اللي داخلة تهبل دي. لكن المُعيد نفسه دخل رد بعد شوية، وياريته ما رد. هو طلِع بمُبرر كده مالهوش أي معنى وفي الأخر قال إن أصل "ده مش إمتحان، ده كُفتة". وأنا فضلت مبحلقة كده في الكلام مش مُتخيلة إن هو ده الرد بجد، وعمَّالة أتفرج على الناس كمان وهُمَ داخلين يعملوا like لكلامه. لول.

الصراحة أنا ساعتها حسيت نوعاً ما بالإنتصار لأن كونه رد بكلام مش مفهوم كده ومش مُقنع، يبقى أنا فعلاً اللي معايا حق، وهو عارف إن الموضوع مش صح بس أكيد مش هيدخُل يحرج نفسه قُدام كل الطلبة دول. فإتبسَط إن رسالتي وصلت خلاص بغض النظر عن هو هيعمل كده برضه والَّا لأ، بس عبرت عن وجهة نظري ووقفت لحاجة أنا مؤمنة بيها وأعلنت إني مش موافقة على كده. لكن بجانب كل الكلام ده، رجعت أفكر تاني في الكلام قبل مانام وبصيت للموضوع من وجهة نظر تانية بعيدة عن مبدأ الغش.

يعني مُعيد زي ده، طول الوقت بيقول إنه بيحب البلد وكان نفسه حد كويس يمسك الرئاسة وبتاع، أول ما جه موقف زي ده، ماحترمش أي حد من السُلطات اللي هو نِفسه تبقى كويسة دي، وعمل حاجة مش مطلوب منه إنه يعملها أصلاً بمُبرر إنها "كُفتة". طب ماشي أنا معاك إن الكلية دي فعلاً بيحصل فيها كُفتة السنين، ليه لما لسه يادوب بيبدأوا يعملونا كبني أدمين أهو وموفرلنا كل حاجة والموضوع سهل، لسه برضه بنختار الطريق اللي مش صح؟ بالذات أصلاً إن المكان اللي المُعيد فيه ده بيحُتم عليه نوعاً ما إنه يكون قدوة ومثل يُحتذى به والكلام ده. فأنا كواحدة ممكن أكون مُعتبراه قدوتي مثلاً، ألاقيه بيبرر الغش كده ومش شايف إن فيه حاجة غلط، فأثبت على موقفي أكتر بدل ما أبقى مكسوفة من نفسي. لأ وكمان ده ممكن يشكك الناس اللي رافضة الموضوع في نَفسُهم لحد ما هيبدأوا يختفوا أصلاً.

الفكرة اللي أنا بحاول أوصل لها إن مهما الكلية نظامها إتغير ومهما البلد دي مسكها أحسن ناس والمناصب بقت للي يستحقها بجد، برضه الأفراد نفسُهم مش هيتغيروا غير لما التغيير ده ييجي من جواهُم، لأن أهو حاجة سهلة زي دي برضه بنتعامل معاها بنفس طريقتنا. فالمشكلة مش في الكلية أصلاً، أو جزء من اللوم ممكن يقع عليها أيوة، بس المشكلة في الأصل هي إحنا نفسنا. يعني بدل ما نقرر نتعلم حاجة من مادة زي دي، ونشوف هي إيه حقوق الإنسان دي مثلاً، لأ إحنا بندور على الإجابات بس وخلاص.

الموضوع مش سهل عليَّ قوي كده إني أوصلُّه وأكتب عنه لأني طول حياتي شايفة إن الحل الوحيد إني أوصل بس لمنصب أو إن حد كويس يمسك مناصب مُعينة، وخلاص كده إحنا ضمنا التغيير. لكن اللي إكتشفته عكس كده خالص؛ هو لو مجاش من جوانا، عمره أبداً ما هيتحقق.

فأنا اللي قررت أعمله بعد كل التفكير الكتير في الموضوع، إن أنا هابطل أبُص للبلد دي شوية وهابُصلي أنا من جوايا أكتر. زي ما فيه ناس بتقعد تشتكي من حاجات في البلد وهُمَ أصلاً بيعملوا أوحش من اللي بيشتكوا منه، فأنا كمان أكيد باعمل كده. فأنا هاركز مع نفسي، وهاغير فيَّ كل حاجة نفسي تتغير في مصر، ومش اللي هو جو غاندي "be the change you want to see in the world" والكلام ده، لأ. أنا بس هاغيَّر من نَفسي عشان لما أموت وأطلع لربنا ويسألني "عملتي إيه لبلدك اللي أنا باعتك ليها؟" أعرف أقوله إني عملت اللي عليَّ. يمكن دي نظرة تشائُمية شوية، لكن في الفترة دي مش حساني مؤمنة قوي بالـ"big changes"، وبما إني شايفة إن مفيش حاجة هتتغير من فوق، هابدأ أنا بتحت اللي يخُصني أنا.

بس كده. مش مُتأكدة إني عرفت أوصَّل كل اللي في دماغي، بس على الأقل عرفت أرَتِب اللي أنا بافكر فيه وأوصل لقرار أعمله. وفي الأخر برضه، قبل أي حاجة، الحمد لله إن أنا إتولدت في بيت طلعني عندي مبادئ مش هاتخلى عنها وأقدر أقُفلها. الحمد لله قوي.

أه، وأي حد بعد كده هيقوللي "بس حقوق دي صعبة قوي" هقوله لأ، حقوق دي كوسة قوي.

A blessing overlooked

Crappy days. Crappy, dreadful days, with what seems like constant oh-God-why-can't-I-freeze-and-just-die moments. Those. I personally don't know of any human being who survives life without passing through such days. It's like an offer that automatically arrives with one's life, only that it's not one to be refused.

I've been living through days like those for quite a while now, and today was supposed to be the end of them, but you know, life always seems to have its own plans.

I went back home after thinking it was all finally over, and decided to watch a movie for a change. I came across a movie on TV called "The Holiday", and decided to go for it though I hadn't heard anything about it before. It was nice, I liked it, but it's actually too cheesy to be recommended. (That's sadly what I get for being the overly cheesy person I am, I'm never able to recommend movies.)

Anyway, there was this particular scene from the movie that just touched me, and kept ringing inside my head even after the movie was over. It was a conversation between an Amanda and a Graham, and that's how it went:

"Amanda: Okay, l'll say it fast. My parents broke up when l was 15. l'm an only child, and l… l didn't see it coming. You know, we were really close. We used to call ourselves ''The Three Musketeers.'' And one night after dinner, my parents sat me down... and told me that they were breaking up. l thought they were kidding. And then l saw a suitcase out of the corner of my eye in the hallway. And my dad moved out that night. l think l cried myself to sleep for, like, well... anyway, a long time. And then l realized that l'd better toughen up. And, well, l got through it and sort of haven't cried since. l also haven't thought of that packed suitcase maybe ever. And that's my tragic little story.

Graham: Wait, you haven't cried since you were 15?

Amanda: l know it must mean something awful. l know, but... you know, l try, but… believe me. But can we talk about you some more, please?

Graham: Okay. Yes. Absolutely. Okay. Well, l cry all the time.

Amanda: You do not.

Graham: Yeah I do. More than any woman you've ever met.

Amanda: You don't have to be this nice.

Graham: It happens to be the truth.

Amanda: Really?

Graham: A good book, a great film, a birthday card, I weep.

Amanda: Shut up.

Graham: I'm a major weeper."

And this, happens to be my favorite scene of the whole movie. It kind of reminded me of my two-days-earlier self.

I was completely stressed over an exam and I was feeling really bad to the extent that I was ready to cry, only my tears weren't helping out. At all. I thought I'd wait till the exam day, maybe screwing up on it would get them all flowing over my face. Or maybe I could cry out of relief at the end of it, if it happened to go well. I was waiting for it, very much. But sadly, none of my scenarios came true.

I did feel relieved after the exam, yes, but tears were still inside and I couldn't feel a thing as long as they stayed in there. But luckily, being the cheesy person I am gave me an advantage; I cried during the movie! And the tears finally went out, getting a very heavy weight off my chest. And I literally mean every word of that sentence. That's when I seriously started thinking about tears.

Tears. The word itself gives you a sense of "tearing". Breaking something, breaking it apart. Breaking all the pain inside, with just, a few drops of water. I find this beautiful.

There are always those certain feelings we experience that can never be expressed through anything but words. And there are those other feelings that not even the whole world's words would possibly convey, and might just be expressed through looks, gestures, or actions. But there still comes an entire different category of feelings which can't be expressed neither through words nor through actions, nothing. And that is, I believe, when tears come to rescue.

I've always believed words will be there for me whenever I feel a new something that I can't express, but sometimes I do run out of words. So, for me, tears are actually my only way out whenever words fail me. They are my perfect cure, for everything, not just pain. I could be the happiest person alive and still tear up, because sometimes even happiness is too much for words to handle.

Thinking about Amanda, I know my life would've been really hard if I were never able to cry. Yes, I may pass through some tear-less days, but I'm thankful they'd always come out at the end. Because, well, tears are still not only there to express, they're also there to purify. I feel like I get this free inner-shower every time I let myself cry, even though it's tears leaving my body, not the other way round. I feel that the water acts like some sort of a magnet, attracting all the awful feelings and thoughts, and pushing them along on its way out, just like a vacuum cleaner on a messy carpet. I don't think the relief one feels after crying isn't something we only try convincing ourselves with. Tears do really wash our inner selves, they have access to the only part that we can't reach; our souls. Or that's how I like imagining it.

I'm a big fan of the few gasps people involuntarily let out after they're done crying. It's like a final assurance that the pain has truly escaped, pushing out any leftovers through the air. Never once did I get over with the gasping phase without feeling like someone's hand has just gently broken through me, got hold of the lump inside that was causing all the mess, thrown it out, and lovingly placed everything back with a cute pat on my shoulder.

I also find it fascinating that simple organs like my two eyes, can conduct something as amazing as that. I actually love watching the tears as they flow down my cheeks, leaving an extremely red eye afterwards to simply say; I was here.

I'd never feel ashamed of my ability to cry, or what seems like my excessive use of tears, just the way Graham feels good about what he does. Tears are among the most beautiful blessings God has created, and for that, I sincerely pray for every human being out there to get to experience what it feels like being "a major weeper". Amen.

الحاجات الصُغيرة

"إنت عايش ليه؟" هو سؤال إتسألته في أول يوم ليَّ في الكامپ، وأخذت كل وقتي عشان أفكر في إجابته. والحقيقة إن دي كانت أول مرة تقريباً أقعد أفكر فى الموضوع ده بجد مع نفسي وعشان كده قررت إني لما أرجع هاكتب عنه عشان أفضل أرجع له كل شوية وأقراه تاني وأفكر نفسي به، ومايكونش مجرد سؤال عابر كده؛ جاوبته ساعتها وهانساه على طول.

أول لما جيت أفكر في إجابة للسؤال ده، فكرت في ثلاث حاجات؛ بما إني إتخلقت في الدنيا دي يبقى ربنا باعتني هنا لسببٍ ما أو لمهمة لازم أعملها، وبما إني لسه عايشة يبقى المهمة دي لسه ماتنفذتش ومش هاموت غير لما ربنا يشوف إني خلاص خلصتها، وأخر حاجة وهي السبب الأكبر اللي أنا مؤمنة إني موجودة علشانه، هو إني إتولدت في البلد دي وباحبها قوي كده. كان ممكن أتولد في بلد تانية حالها أفضل شوية وأعيش مستريَّحة، وكان ممكن أتولد في البلد دي عادي برضُه بس أكون من الناس اللي مابتفكرش في حاجة غير إنهم إزاي هايسفروا ويسيبوا المكان ده من كتر ما همَ خلاص فقدوا الأمل فيه. فأنا حَبة أفكر في الموضوع بالطريقة دي، وعشان الأسباب دي كلها أنا حاسة إن أكيد ربنا باعتني عشان أعمل أي فرق، حتى لو كان صغير جداً، في مصر.

ولإني عارفة إنه أكيد فيه سبب كبير كده بس مش متأكدة خالص هو إيه والا إزاي هاوصل له لسه، فأنا قررت أعيش لأسباب صغيرة وأنا في طريقي للسبب الكبير ده. يعني، قررت أحاول طول ما أنا عايشة أعمل الحاجات اللي لو أنا ماكُنتش موجودة، عارفة إنها ماكانتش هاتحصل. أحاول أعمل فرق في حياة الناس اللي حوليَّ حتى لو كان الفرق ده هو إني أخلّي حد يبتسم. لأني على الأقل ساعتها هابقى عارفة إني لو ماكنتش أنا موجودة، فيه إحتمال كبير إن الإبتسامة دي ماكانتش حصلت. يعني قررت أخلق لنفسي الأسباب اللي هاعيش عشانها حتى لو الأسباب دي كانت "فسافيس" صغيرة وبالنسبة لناس كتير مالهاش أي أهمية.

قررت أعيش عشان الحاجات الصغيرة. الحاجات الصغيرة اللي كتير بيعيشوا ويموتوا من غير ما ياخدوا بالهم منها. هافضل عايشة كده لحد ما وانا في طريقي ده، ألاقي الحاجة الكبيرة اللي إتخقلت علشانها، واللي متأكدة إنها في يوم من الأيام هتظهرلي طول مانا مكملة في الطريق وبادوّر عليها. وساعتها بس، هاقدر أقول إني هاموت وانا مستريَّحة.

ده بإختصار سبب من الأسباب اللي أنا حاسه إني عايشة عشانه واللي بيجاوب السؤال اللي إتسألته بعد كده وكان؛ "طب إنت مبسوط؟"، وإجابته هي إني هافضل مبسوطة طول مانا باعمل اللي نَفسي مقتنعة إنها عايشة عشانه. هاتبسط أكتر لما أوصل لهدفي الكبير، بس في الوقت الحالي، أنا أه مبسوطة، الحمد لله.

وفي اليوم ده، سمعت إجابات كتير على نفس السؤال ده من ناس بجد أثرت في حياتي، وعرفت إني طول مانا عايشة في الدنيا دي، هافضل أزوّد في الأسباب اللي أنا عايشة عشانها ومش بس هاقف عند كده.

The LINK!

"You should always have a 'why' to live for" ~ Yasmin E. Ouf

That was the beginning of it. The beginning of my unstoppable thoughts that started with the very first training of the life-changing camp I've been to for the last few days. I can't even count the number of things I've been rethinking about, and reconsidering during those days, and how much I'm thankful for finally getting such a chance.

I've been hearing about this camp from ex-campers all year long, but never did I imagine it would be that way, at all. Actually, the fact that those were four whole concentrated days, giving us the opportunity to detach ourselves from the real world and think about some serious stuff for a while, was all what we really needed, and what really made it effective. I, personally, decided to detach myself from my greatest attachment, which is my phone, with all its associations. Facebook, Twitter, Whatsapp, everything. That was something huge for me, but I loved it. I realized it was really okay to live without those stuff, I wouldn't die if I didn't check every single social network every day, and there's nothing much that I'd be missing anyway. And so, that was my first resolution; every time I'd feel like I'm getting too attached to something, I'm going to give myself some space away from it for a while, until it doesn't control me anymore. Even if that attachment was a person. We just tend to mix our priorities sometimes, leaving what's more important behind, when in fact it'd be all what we really need at the time. We also don't realize how getting busy with something else could alone take over any attachment thoughts, and not even give you the time to think of any of them. 'Detaching' just doesn't scare me anymore, for I've experienced its beauty and never would I want to deprive myself from such a feeling ever again.

My sleeping patterns were as follows; I only got one hour of sleep on the night before the camp, four hours of sleep on our first night there, six hours on the second night, and finally, three hours on the last one. And that was something totally new for me, because I'm normally a person who just loves to sleep, ehem.. But seriously, every other minute of every day was spent wisely on something that either inspired me or uplifted my mood, and I literally mean 'every minute'. That, alone, was an inspiration to me. The fact that we could do all that amount of productive stuff in one day made me think about all the days I've been wasting, and how I never really got to use them efficiently, because I never tried to look at any other side of it. Lately, I've started becoming that lazy person whose productivity kept decreasing day by day, and so, that was just a huge chance for me to realize how it feels being REALLY productive, and how being offered 24 hours a day is an opportunity that one shouldn't let go of, just like that, without making the most out of it. One more thing I've learned, which brings us back to the very first line of this, is the reason behind doing all of that. How did I really get the energy to give up my sleep and focus for four whole days, without ever feeling bad about it? The answer is simply my 'why', I had a reason to wake up every day, I had something to look forward to each morning, I had my 'why', and it was a really strong 'why' that I was ready to give up whatever it is that was occupying my life and head, just to make the most out of those days. And so, my second resolution came rushing by, forcing me to promise myself that I wouldn't allow myself to sleep every night without setting something for myself that would make me leave my bed the minute I open my eyes. Because I actually did it in the camp, the minute my alarm rang, or someone knocked on my door, I'd always get dressed right away, with nothing on my mind other than the awesome trainings and activities ahead, that I was impatiently looking forward to. I believe that if I could do it there, I can do it anywhere.

Speaking of the trainings, there wasn't even one single training that I didn't get to learn something new from, even if it was a very tiny lesson, there was just always something to learn and reflect upon. Something worth mentioning is how the trainings were perfectly assigned to each trainer, allowing every person who was really good on something, to transfer their knowledge in the most useful way. Yasmin and her psychological personality analysis and REBT, Mostafa and his natural leadership skills, Mazen and his natural visionary character, Basant and how professional she is on culture matters, Nour and how he always holds on to his Ethics and Values, Mona and her calm character that knows how to energize people when they need it, and finally Maged and his awesome Mind Mapping techniques that I've personally always wanted to learn. I would've never thought of a better distribution for the topics and activities, so *applause*. That was inspiring because it made me rethink about how a person shouldn't really be knowledgeable on every possible topic, but instead, concentrate on just one or two aspects and be really good on them, in order to be an effective person. And not just any aspect, but that thing that you know you really enjoy and would find the passion that would drive you to learn more about it. That's just awesome. In addition to the fact that they all made me realize how important it is to pass on your knowledge to others, instead of just gaining it without making any use of it. My third resolution then was to make use of anything that I'd learn, and never keep it to myself.

I honestly started thinking about so many things in new ways after every training..

First of all, the concentration camps. We learned that those were camps in which people were detained and treated in the most humiliating ways, under really harsh conditions, but their reactions always differed according to their personalities, and according to the power of their own selves. Some people decided to give up because they knew there was no way out and they were going to die anyway, so they did nothing to actually resist what was happening to them. Others had different views, they resisted. One of them kept dreaming about that day he was going to get out and finally give a speech about those camps, letting the whole world know about them, he had a 'why' to live for. Others kept thinking about their families, how they wanted to see them so much, and how every day that passed brought them closer to finally seeing their loved ones. They were all being exposed to the same conditions, but at the end, it all depended on each person's perspective. I honestly never heard about the concentration camps before, and so the thought of it kept me thinking a lot. I also loved the question Hanin brought up which was "Do I live to dream, or do I dream to live?", it's something to ponder upon.

And, the REBT. Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy. To me, REBT really highlighted my irrational thoughts and beliefs that were stored inside my head, but never once did I think about the possibility of them being wrong. I blame myself too much, I concentrate on making things come out as perfect as I can without giving room for mistakes that I can learn from, I just have too many irrational thoughts that I never take the time to change anything about them. REBT was useful in making me realize that irrationality exists in my life, and disputing is probably going to be my favorite hobby.

The vision talk was again a great practical implementation for the first line of this piece; the 'why'. We were asked to answer three questions which were: Why are you alive? Are you happy? And, What do you want to be remembered for in your funeral? I don't remember I've ever given myself the time to actually sit down, write about those questions, and share them with people. I'm thankful for the fact I did let my thoughts out, and kind of got my ideas sorted out, I needed that. I needed to set any kind of 'why' to my life. I can't even describe how the answers to those questions that every person shared were inspirational, and I believe that this talk will never be forgotten. I now have a clear idea about what visions are; continuous, achievable, and measurable at different points in our lives, and I'll never let myself live without a vision, or a 'why' anymore.

Then comes the 5-hour leadership training! It was totally one of the best. This quote is forever staying in my head; "If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more, and become more, you are a leader" ~ Shady Naiem. I loved how each one of us had their own definition of leadership, and how they're all still true. The born or made discussions were great, and I loved how at the end we did reach a common ground and a convincing answer. I also learned about the different types of leadership, and if I were ever in a leading situation, I'm so going to keep that in mind and try as much as I can to be a mixture of the styles and not just concentrate on one of them. "إنما الأجر على قدر المشقة" is my favorite quote that was mentioned in this training. It just applies to everything, in a beautiful way.

Aaaand, the ENNEAGRAM TEST! I never gave that much attention to the different types of personalities, and I never even concentrated on my own! I believe the first step towards improving yourself is to understand who you really are in the first place. That test kind of gave me some guidelines, and made me identify some of what I need to change when I tried applying them to the rest of the trainings. I also learned how every single person has their openings and ways of dealing with them that hugely depends on their type of personality, and it gave me a clearer view to how I should deal with some people in my life. I still need to look more into that now that I have better knowledge, but that was really informative.

One of my very favorite trainings was the communication skills one! Taking it a bit personal, this day was when I felt that no matter what obstacles I'd be facing in my life, I'm sure I'll always find someone to help and have my back. I felt like I wanted to help everyone else as well, because of all the help and feedback I got when I expressed my problem. No one's ever going to imagine what that meant to me, but I'm just really thankful, and when I overcome my problem, insha'Allah, I'll always remember that linkers were the reason for it. Actually, knowing that someone cares that much, makes me want to become a better person and make them all proud. الحمد لله على نعمة ال-لينكرز. And on this day, I also learnt that nothing is ever going to change unless I make the commitment to change it, and from that moment, I did. لا يغير الله ما بقوم حتى يغيروا ما بأنفسهم kept ringing in my head all night long, and I'm so motivated to actually change.

Ethics and Values. Another important topic I needed to be reminded of and the way the discussion went was brilliant. I loved that activity where everyone got to talk about a value they've broken, and how it was easy sharing it with everyone in a totally nonjudgmental environment. I learnt that making mistakes is not something to be ashamed of if you're ready to learn from them and admit that you really did something wrong.

My ultimate favorite training was obviously the HR management one! I LOVED it. And I can't even begin to describe how awesome of a speaker Nour Shams is, I've learnt so much from her just by her attitude. The "Get them, Grow them, and Retain them" might have been something I knew about, but I've still been missing so much information that I did learn and currently want to develop. The fact that every single thing going on in a club like ours, is strategically planned and developed, makes it more interesting.

Moving on, the Culture and Copyrights trainings really got me thinking about my values, and how making the decision to commit to Glow's values should change the way I act on stuff that are even unrelated to Glow, on a personal level. Getting into those discussions after the Ethics and Values training made a difference, and I can tell that a lot is going to change in my life just because of that.

Finally, the beginning of Glow. That was one of the touchiest talks ever, seeing the pictures of Glow's founders, hearing stories about their problems as they began, realizing the change they're making into our lives after four whole years.. nothing compares to that. One of the quotes mentioned that deeply touched me was "A friend is someone who can help you change the world". It makes me smile, and I'm happy I have Linkers, and Glowers in general, to really help me change this world. "Blessed" is such a small word to describe what I really am.

That was just a very brief summary of what has been going around. I have never had that much fun before, while still developing myself.

And I also have so many favorite moments:

The water and soap game, we got to actually play games on a sheet of water and soap, and as weird as that sounds, it was the most fun thing I had done in SO long! I got out the child in me, who doesn't care about what she looks like, or what she sounds like. I got out an amazing amount of energy out on that day, and I just laughed like never before.

The MAZE! I got the most sincere hugs during that game, ehem.. And I've learnt an important lesson; never feel ashamed to ask for help.

The communication game, all what I've learnt from it, and all the memories associated. "17!"

The depression sketch, and how an emotion like that turned into Abdallah's hilarious cancer.

The girls' amazing acting talents, and how that one hour turned into one of my best memories ever.

The CIRCLES that energized us between the trainings.

And seriously, many, many more..

The best thing about the camp were the feedback letters! The minute I receive a new letter, and get to read something that would make my day, and the minute I decide to write someone something, and realize how much of a difference I've made. Expressing my feelings towards people is what I never want to stop doing, because it does mean a lot.

I've also learnt one huge important lesson from our discussions, which is to never take my close ones for granted, because I know I wouldn't stand the thought of losing them, ever.

I just wanted to let out all what I've learnt, what I've felt and what I've been thinking about, because I want to reread this next year, and proudly say that every Linker contributed in making me a better person, the person I would be, by just being the person he/she is. Every Linker has made a huge impact in my life, and helped me find my way,

linking who I want to be, with who I am.

I am blessed.

It's what I never want to lose

The feedback I've been receiving on my latest post is officially the best feedback I've ever received on any of my writings before (with my best friend's topping them all). Normal people might consider this an achievement and naturally feel happy about it, but that's just not what has been going on with me.

Before posting it, I felt like it was the weirdest thing anyone would ever read, but the comments I've read indicated the total opposite of that. It felt really good at the beginning, but then, with every single comment I received, I'd just panic. People were really supportive, but they were unaware of the fact that they were scaring me away from words.

"I'd never be able to write anything as good as that again", was all I could think of. And all what has been scaring me for almost a week now.

I've always believed that my spoken words came out horribly, just because I was able to express them better through writing. It's how the equation always seemed to work in my head. At that point, I felt like all my conceptions were in danger, for they'd shortly turn out to be pointless, all of them. I'd never be able to tell those whom I love, how much they really mean to me, because I can't write. I'd never be able to soothe the mess that frequently happens inside my head, because I can't write. I'd never be able to understand myself, who I really am, what I want, nothing of that kind, because I just can't write. The thought of it was dreadful, and it still is.

Such thoughts, and more, occur to me everyday, and I've really wanted to write about them before my head explodes. I knew that anything I'd write wouldn't be compared to the last piece, but I still chose to write. Actually, I'll always choose to write. Even if my words seem distorted, even if my words made no sense to anyone, I'll always choose to write.

Writing is my own blessing. My God-sent gift. I've lately met so many people who hate reading, let alone write something themselves, and I've realized it wasn't one of those things anyone could easily do. Gifts aren't necessarily there for other people to enjoy, and for that, I'd never let go of my gift just because I think it might not be good enough.

It's just what I do.. and it's what I never want to lose.

On the little moments that keep me going.

It's all about the little moments..

The little moments that make my heart smile, and sometimes even dance. The little moments that can draw millions of curves on my face, no matter what mood I'm in. The little moments that make me wish I could have had the option to freeze everything, and just intensely stare as they happen. Life would've been a hard place to live in without such moments; my favorite moments.

I personally love the beginnings of everything, absolutely everything. The beginning of a friendship, a book, a movie, a hug, or even a tasty pizza. I love beginnings. No matter how they go, they'd definitely be better than all the endings in the world.

And, there are just plenty of other beautiful moments that often go unnoticed..

I love it when I wake up on a day off, without anyone calling my name, or an alarm's siren that doesn't shut up until it ruins my sleep. I love the few seconds between opening my eyes and coming back to my consciousness, when I totally forget who I am, what I'm doing in that place, and absolutely anything that has been bothering me the night before.

I love it the other way round. When I'm going back to sleep, and there's the same few seconds between consciousness and unconsciousness, with nothing on my mind, and yet no dreams that would remind me of what I've been trying to escape. I would want to spend forever living through those few moments.

I love it when I wake up in the morning, check my phone, and find a reply to that message I've sent the day before and never got a reply to. I generally love waking up to texts from my favorite people. Irreplaceable moments.

I love that moment when I'm thinking about someone, and I'd randomly find them calling or texting me. I love the idea that two minds can be thinking about each other at the same exact moment.

And, when we're in the middle of a conversation and I have something to say, but someone interrupts and suddenly I can't remember what it is that I was about to say. I keep trying to remember, and I keep recalling the stuff we were discussing. I love that moment when the thought finally appears at the top of my head again, I love the "Aaah, I remember!" accompanied by that sense of relief.

I love it when I'm experiencing some serious problem, and you're there by my side to remind me of the prayer God has associated with such situations, sincerely repeating it with me. I love that moment when, out of nowhere, the solution just pops up for whatever it is that we've been facing, just because of that prayer. I love that moment when we both sense how close God is, and how you were the reason for it all.

I love it when someone notices those certain phrases I unconsciously repeat through my conversations. I particularly love it when I notice how someone unconsciously uses my phrases through their own talks. I love the parts of me that I find in people, and even more, the parts of people that I find printed on me.

When you're making up a story, and you're trying to make me believe it though you know I never would. I love that smile of yours when you finally decide to give up, and let me know you obviously weren't serious. Even better, I love that moment when we both smile at the same exact time, and comment on it with a phrase we both use.

I love the random moments. When I reach the bus I'm supposed to take, get on it, and watch it take off as soon as I settle down, as if it was God stopping it just for me. When I open a door somewhere, and find someone I know on the other side trying to open it, too. When I reach home after a hectic day, find no one at home, jump into my bed, and just keep staring at the ceiling.

I love it when I look at you, and notice you've been staring at me all along. I love that moment when our eyes meet, when you feel the pressure and decide to look away. I love it when I'm trying to say something, and I'd find you completing the sentences for me, with all the right words I've been looking for.

I love it when I read something that I've been thinking about but didn't really pay that much attention to, and I'd just find you perfectly describing it the way I would have, if only I had paid attention. I love that moment of relating to someone, even better, when someone relates to me.

I think the little moments only need someone to notice them, and they'd just magically turn people's lives upside down. I think people would be much happier if they concentrated on them, for if we add up all the little moments, there wouldn't even be room for dull ones to take over.

It's just, totally, all about the little moments.

I love the little moments.